Letters of Nothing To Anybody

2009-12-17T02:55:00.003Z

I've moved to a country that made me want to wear LIPSTICK.

Not a bad thing, but...now I even OWN and use a £22 foundation. Me. The queen of either no make-up or the absolute wake-up crack baby look.

I blame vodka. That lovely wishes-it-was-water fluid that's keeping me up. The old I DON'T DRINK IF I HAVE TO WORK THE NEXT DAY me has gone and fled the cunt-ry. Hi guys, I'll be fucked tomorrow afternoon.

And then go home and get fucked. Up.

How hipster is that? I am half hipster...half...clone. Not clone enough to listen to %99 of the new music that's out now. But then why do I have to listen to new shit. New shit is so old. I'd rather dwell on old Youtube vids and the shopping channel. Even tho those fuckers feel the need to shout over nothing.

The wind is in the wind is in my heart

2009-11-04T03:35:00.002Z

Where am I now? Getting absolutely hammered without a soul in sight.

I prefer it sometimes, alarmingly. Not a soul in sight to embarass, not a soul in sight to tell you to keep it down. I just want to make silent noise to a Foals song that I can't get out of my head.

I keep mistaking things here for things back home... the 358 bus to Aurora, for one. The autumnal weather wakes up this thoughtful beast inside me that only feels comfortable in the pre-wintery light. The golden stuff that take a while to ooze away even on the coldest day. Inspires me to...

Inspires me to be greedy and feel for home, but I worry about mates with cancer and mates who have suffered the greatest of losses. I worry about work, and the cold. I worry about life and it's addictions and then stay up drinking but end up trying not to wake up the most important person in my life.

I've kicked worse habits.

Suddenly I am in the grown-up world with all this real life drama. It's not tabloid drama, thank fuck. Some of it is lonely wanker drama, some of it is homesick. I never want to go to another funeral for someone who is younger than I am. I did not cry, but my heart broke for my friend. I wore a suit and big scary black heels. I remember when she and I and her boyfriend (now deceased) were at the pub. I worried a lot about what I would wear to the funeral for no bloody reason. I'm really thankful I got to meet him that one time. He was chatty and brilliant. I hope she will be okay, she is back at work now.

I don't want children. My soon to be mother-in-law who is (only) 4 years older than I am has a baby and he is lovely. I aim to spoil, not to have one of my own. I still want a kitten very badly, though. I'd really, truly, honestly rather change a litter box.

I worry.

I worry about stupid shit. Work, which is trivial in the scheme of things. I worry about those who I work with. I miss the mates who went to uni and aren't around much anymore. I'm so much older than a lot of them, which worries me as well. I hate the self-entitled, judgemental arseholes here. It's like nothing I've experienced anywhere. Thank fuck I don't live in LA. People would drive me to extinction.

Glasgow. God damn it. A music scene like Seattle, I'm convinced. London might be big, but it's not bad.

I miss a lot of things.

The new Shiny Toy Guns is complete shite and I'm VERY disappointed. They had it good before the new singer.

I'm tired of Brit fashion. I want Old Navy. I want a new tattoo. I want my mates. I want my hubby. I want a lot of things.

Think I'll fix my camera first.

And get another drink!!!!!! xx

cast-off slumber-drawers

2009-08-10T03:29:00.003+01:00

Been awhile, yeah. Like it better when noone's lookin over my shoulder. Or is within 10 feet of my shoulder.

Back in the good ol days I used to boot peeps out the house so I could spend some alone time with my blog. Now the blog is just hanging out in its nightie on the laz-e-boy waiting for me to come home.

At the mo I'm drowning out the homesickness with a hangover. Think I can knock a couple more tins back before it becomes defcon 4 hangover alert or whatever. I'm off work for a bit anyway thank cripes on a bicycle. Aloha Tuesday some-time-during-the-day.

Lots of song with clapping playing on my Death cab stream on Last.FM - makes it difficult to NOT clap along in a weak attempt at rhythm.

Yanno, beer is fun, but I'd be fucked if I had cracked open the vodka tonight. Sleep is sometimes far more welcome than just sitting and stewing in it.

That's what imma doin.

PS Scribs. Miss you. Got ur email. Take care, I'll speak to ya when it's possible.

Minutae

2009-04-10T01:12:00.002+01:00

Chinese takeaway
CArry out from the shop - Southern COmfort & Lemonade

Got fckin soaked on the way to the shops and fckin knackered on the walk back home, tired of this bloody miserable...adverse fckin weather.

Wore bad shoes going out as well. Might as well have been barefoot.

Dyed my hair tonight. Auburn rather than filthy strawberry bland.

6 cigarettes. That count is pending, still time to drink/smoke.

2 minutes.

2009-04-07T11:37:00.002+01:00

I should be showering but I really need to poop and the interbutz is way more interesting than all of the above.

Work is shit, tired of petty assholes and whiners and old people (only on wednesdays, I have a switch that I flip on for that). Tired of being nice to dicks and being a dick to people I like. It's making me not happy and I haven't had a day off since LAST MONDAY. I work in a SHOP for christ's sake. I was certain they didn't need slave labour but I am expecting the pretty chains and ankle bracelets to lock us to the cash registers to come in any day now.

I have learned to spit a total line of bullshit though. That's pretty fun.

Blarg.

(I have to find something else to think about...all I do is fcking complain about work. I apologise!)

two thousand niiiiiiiiine.

2009-01-13T02:45:00.003Z

No resolution yet. Maybe I'll actually write on this thing again tho. Start small, get big, right?

Iunno. I have absolutely nothing to say.

plurk
bebo
myspace

Oh and also I hate these bastardised versions of Hallelujah and Run they've been fucking spamming on the radio here. Quit it. Right now. You're ruining perfectly good things. I don't care how nicely these girls can sing. Stop it. Ruin some Celine or something. Quit taking things from my world and complicating them with shit vocals.

I could go on about that all bloody day.

To the Caftancave Robin!

2008-06-19T02:21:00.004+01:00

I dont care what anybody says...

where can i get me one of these:

Go Fug Yourself

No...not a Nicole Ritchie. I don't want one of those. A caftan. One of those billowy patternedy thingies she's got on (not neccesarily in that pattern). Those things look COMFY!

lsdkfgsdlf

2008-06-19T01:51:00.002+01:00

some years ago almost today but a couple days off today i posted this on my (now with new pro account power again) flickr...

furry and not blue!

more to come! i might just get my hands on a borrowed OMFG THAT CAMERA IS WORTH MORE THAN GOD camera.

and then i will rule the world.

also!

someone send me one of those green tea funky thingummies.

Ive been back here for a couple years now! and i'm 30!

Good god y'all! (that is the last time i will ever say that word. I hate it more than people who chew gum and snap it. and i hate them a LOT)

6 days this week.

2008-05-07T11:37:00.002+01:00

5 days of sunshine and I gotta work for ALL of em. Typical.

If it rains on my next day off, I may just have to...make idle threats about things I have utterly no control over!

12 days and counting. I'm not looking forward to this at all.

milquetoast

2008-04-25T18:56:00.002+01:00

I know someone who will recognise this pic. ;D

take care prz

2008-04-21T23:06:00.002+01:00

Feeling a bit lonely, lately.

Hey, Scribs...need someone to talk to, drop by sometime, yea?

It's complicated.

Probably funnier in my own head!

2008-04-13T13:25:00.003+01:00

OH also, 2 years old, the eighteen-pack is today! So, to celebrate, I will try to retell the tale of the Spider and the Beer Run which happened way back in Warshington when I lived in Bremerton (I still slip and call Bangor Bremerton sometimes. It's actually slightly retarded).

Anyway, back in my ex-husband and Everquest days I used to raid frequently and get down and dirty all nerd stylie. During one of these raids, I decided that I NEEDED to have beer. It was a must have and It had to be hadded as soon as I could humanly get to the 7-11. This was actually right about the time Whatshisname and I were chillin out maxin, relazin all cool, so he kindly let me attach my warrior to him via autofollow and so I left.

First stop was the loo, lest i wet myself in the mad harikari rush to get a case of beer. Window was wide open, I was minding my own bidniss and just getting ready to leave when what stood between me and the door leading to the brewskis...a big ol brown spider.

I used to be pretty...how you say, screamy when it came to things like this. Immediate freak-outs were imminent once an arachnid entered the room. I mean teleported into my line of sight because they are TRICKY bastards. Tricky mean-spirited bastards that made me make noises I didn't know I could make.

Anyway, upon laying eyes on the spider, I screamed (mind you the window is WIDE open and I had neighbours close by) "OH MY FUCKING GOD IT'S HUGE!" and let out a few more squeaks and protests. Imagine that ringing through your neighbourhood around 8 o'clock at night. A bug probably isn't the first thing anyone would think of. That thought crossed my mind mere seconds later, and then my determination for a beer and the fact that I was still autofollowing Whatshisname and if I got trapped in the toilet I would actually be in trouble. And very not-drunk.

So, after doing a few omfg-omfg-dances around the linoleum I fucking jumped on that spider and hauled ass out the door squealing like an idiot. It actually ran first and I chased it into the living room and added it to the baseball bat and hairspray spider stain with my trusty converse. (Another mighty triumph in the history of Whatsername). Beer was obtained and I returned to my geekfest with Whatshisname a happy but shaken woman.

That house srsly had too many spiders. Only Kaotix's old pad had more and those mothers were gargantuan. I get the hoo-hah's thinking about those!

These days I am brave enough to use a piece of paper and a glass to catch the buggers (even in the dark, no less!) and escort them to another room. And shut the door. And run.

Anyway yeah, blog-birthday ftw. Let's see about next year now! (when the blog will be almost 31! And I hopefully remember to re-up my Flickr. SIGH)

Daydreamin

2008-04-13T13:07:00.002+01:00

I've been working at undisclosed location since october now and I have gotten my first ever like REAL promotion (even though They didn't give us a pay rise, cos well...they're commies or summat). But I have finally been deemed responsible by an employer which is strange because I usually end up fucking something up royally and get sacked or walk out or something. I have to say though, despite liking the jeeeoorb quite a lot, having 15 girls ask you at the same time to go to the toilet can i go on break with this person does actually threaten to do my head in in a very explosive imma slap some bitches way. How I got this position I have NO CLUE. I am the first to crack under stress!

I need to take more pics since the weather is gettin way gorge out now. Too much WoW and drinking on my nights off rendering me capable but unwilling to leave the safety of my roll-y chair for much more than like, sustenance or something. There have been a rash of silly cat pics taken though. I also need to hook my mobile to ze comp so I can upload those pics as well (after I eventually upgrade to XP. I am totally arachaic.)

Anyway I need new work shoes and no, I won't say where I work cos they WILL fire my ass. I am also far too picky shoe-wise, which is funny seeing as the ones I currently wear are 3 years old but look older and are actually going to start falling apart yet I still walk to work in them.

Wow, I just got so exciting i think I turned 85 just now.

Is it sad that I got changed after work last night and walked BACK to work to get a bottle of vodka (aka vidak if you get drunk me on IM) and then walked back home and drank by myself. I feel pretty okay, so if it's sad, I haven't noticed yet.

I need to do this more, my uncanny wit and humour is a bit...absent. Anyway hai peeps.

Oh right...I have one of these things...

2008-01-13T13:30:00.000Z

I hafta sort out some stuff, like my Flickr account, which is currently not showing the full extent of it's chock-full-o-photoness. That's pretty dusty too, come to think of it.

Not making any resolutions this year cept to register at the doctors. Diets are lame and quitting smoking (!) will come when the big 3-0 hits. I hear it's painless so I should be okay. Turning 30, I mean. I've already done the cold turkey thing.

(Scribs - have you seen Kitten With A Whip? I have that on now!)

Also...the Wednesday Soon thing...that's my second life avatar. I have a blog for that too which is just as dusty as this one. Here's some photobucket pics till I get my Flickr paid up again.

2007-07-23T00:56:00.000+01:00

Today is Whatshisname's b-day...so of course I am some sort of drizunk.

I have been watching th best line-up on television ever: Father Ted, I.T. Crowd (aunt Irma ep.) and Trigger Happy TV.

I just screamed at the lady who they were messing with about joyriding (she was 90)
YOUR WINDOW IS OPEN!!! (Cos she left her driver side window open.

You know that sigh people do when they're just like jaysus christ. Do that now and that's what I did.

pfft

2007-06-10T04:19:00.000+01:00

Job.
Interview.
Plus Monday = bleeeeehhhh

Hate them! Hate job hunting and all that blahblah. Nothing like a good job interview to wreck your morning and make ya feel like crap.

How about a couple job interview haiku, just for shits. -_-

Interview for work
Spinach in teeth is
inevitable.

Actually..that's more like a fortune cookie fortune. Yay.

Whatevs.

change my layout cha cha cha

2007-05-11T07:36:00.000+01:00

K, so like apparently the style here is to look like yer hiding the fact that you're in the early stages of your 3rd trimester and have raided gramma's closet because nothing else fits.

I saw more muumuu's for skinny people while I was out shopping yesterday than I have ever seen ever in my life (trust me I went through my grandma's wardrobe NUMEROUS times) and some of them were like the loud drunk aunt at family reunions shouting at your uncle and basically embarassing herself and the rest of the family.

Grammas be stylin tho. Though I was doin old lady chic like...10 years ago. God I'm so fashion forward it hurts.

Sup bitchez!!!

pizza with sweet corn

2006-12-09T07:53:00.000Z

Sometimes I wish I could plug this thing into my head cos I keep meaning to write down the shit I think but then I am waaaaay too busy playing Second Life and going to bed early like I just turned 100 and if I stay up past midnight I'll turn into a pumpkin or something.

We had an incredibly wasted parental unit in the house last night. Home from his office holiday partay-soiree-shindig-bingedrikathon, he came come and ate like half a jar of this 8 year old french hot chocolate mix that I had inadvertantly left out meaning to chuck in the bin but rather dragged myself to bed and left it out. He even went so far as to take it to watch golf (Zzz...oh sorry did I pass out there for a second?) and for the best part of an hour shovelled bits of it into his mouth and down the front of him.

I wish I had been awake, and I'm surprised I wasn't as he ALSO (my fault but it's retarded and hilarious) was picking up all the ancient biscuits and Tesco hot cocoa from 2005 and the latter was caked into the jar so he was out in the kitchen hammering away on the rubbish bin and Whatshisname said you could hear it down the street and it was 1am and if I had woken up I probably would have ripped his face off then smashed the jar over his head. Or else shuffled out to the kitchen and proceeded to whine. I am a professional whiner. Consider that your final warning.

I need a new layout for this blog.

Kaotix started a real blog. IT'S ABOUT TIME. I hope he doesn't neglect his as much as I do mine. But if he does it's cos he's getting famous being an artist and stuff.

Gamera is full of meat!

2006-12-03T06:33:00.000Z

well THAT lasted all of a day. good job me. way to go. *raspberries*

i can quit smoking cold turkey, that was easy.

yeah, that pretty much sums it up. think i'll go back downstairs and watch Gamera.

i had to keep this journal in highschool and our english teacher would read it. it was only supposed to be like, and english/grammar journal for book reports, how we liked this or that or the other thing but i seriously went to town on it and had like 8 different composition books full of teenage angst. i read them not too long ago and boy oh boy did i have some fucking issues. And this was like the stone age of blog, cos in the beginning the teacher would leave little post it note comments on some of the pages. fucking rad!

needless to say he stopped that after the first journal got filled up because i was some kind of fruitcake.

anyway i have a tin of chocs and more films to watch.

things can only get better

2006-12-01T09:48:00.000Z

i am going to blog every day for a month.

even if it's about what i ate for lunch because somewhere in there i have got to be able to find some old story about something stupid i've done and it might even be funny/interesting/blahblah/fill space et cetera. yeah.

i decided i like blogging from a not my own computer because i like the keyboard even though i feel like i have massive sausage fingers and i keep haveing to backspace to fix my errors (i should quit that so i can srrree just how shit i am at typing, even when i am looking at the damn keyboard.)

ok so beaisde blogging ewvery day for a month, i am going to quit backspacing to fix my mistakes. this will either lead to a) mt blog exploding, b) me learning to ytpe properly, or c) everyone in the worls trying very hard to believe i dont really exist and that NOONE can possibly be this bad at something they;ve done quite a lot of pover the past few ytears. hey...i dont get paid for thid!

another possigbile reaction to this blog is i forget what but i'm really not ig'nant i just ytpe bad. really nad. i an 100% fluent in typo.

ok so i can spell. i can spell very well. i am just not bothering to correct myself and i can already feel people going CRAZY becaise they want to edit the poor mistypen (i alkso make up wotrds so shut your yap) pixwellatyed (pixellated*) space that is my poor busty...i mean dusty blog. and the factthat people may just have an aneurism (see? i can spell) reading this is utter;y hilarious.

punctuations counts as letters, right? go go gadget fat fingers HI YOOO.

so anywat, the point i am eventually mispelling and typoing my way to is that at least i make a weak attempt to spell out all my words, mangled as they may be) and don't swap YOU with a U which vexes me something fierce and troubles me as much as someone chewing bubble gume (wehich shold be be banned...i am so packing up whatshisname and moving to singapore) and i tend to ignore those who dont spell things oput.

world of warcraft is horroble for this shit. i'm dsorry,m you're not texting your mates, and while i am not completely unguilty (yeah!) of this, i use my fair share of LOL's, and OMG's, there has to be a line drawn somewhere between mobile phone speek and the game because id someone came up to me and actually spoke to me like that, i would put the ,m on my ignore list** IMMEDIATELTY and go on my merry way. but it IS truly hilarious to see people tearing other sup for the wrong use of the words 'to' and 'too' in general. people get maaaaad! its funny when it's not you thwey're picking aprat also, though.

i will get picked apart for this travesty of a blog post though. and i could care less.

i just got one of those 43tHINGS THINGIES AND (*smashes caps lock*) and i think i will add Learn to type properly without looking and fucking up everyother word ti the 13 i have up already. but i think i broke the site because i cant get to it.

i've also decided that my home realm on warcrfat is no longer suitable for my consumption so once i get the chance i am picking up and moving my sole level 60 to my freind;s realm and then i shall be happy.

and lalalala today i woke up at 5am after going to sleep before 9 after getting up at 5am and then taking a nap at 1pm abd getting up justintime to watch Neighbours and whatshisname handed me a beer and now it's 10am and i am seriously thinking about pulling a bremerton and walking to the offy to pick up more beer...even though we have a bitleft in the fridge. i drank a large portion of it the other nightbecaise i am prone to the occasional binge drink and i watched the last 15 minuutes of Serenity and then passed out watching robin hood prince of thieves, which i actually liek so shaddap you face, and when i woke up wiuth an empty propped up by my pillow and my glasses still on to the 3rd episode of NCIS i have ever watchd and it was a REAPEAT and not robin hood, ALSO i was on the sofe in my dressing gown and jeans under a feather duvet and roasting.

then i couldnt sleep and i forget what the timeline is now but i think i am going to steal this keyboard.

there is an MST3K viking women film i need to gopay attention to now.

*i'm throwinf out a bone here. but only one.

**i have an ignore list in real life. it's like a little black book, onl6y made pof mental notes.

decemeber is offically wquit typing like an asshole month here at the whatsername offices incorprated. operators are standing by.

to remove my fingers.

2006-11-14T19:16:00.000Z

Here's some lameness for the blog who is dusty and misses me but I am lame. My little brother had the gall to send me one of those emails where you have to spill your soul to everyone on your contact list because the fate of the world depends on knowing what kind of animal you would be if you had 15 super powers which is LAME and i always delete them but he fooled me, conniving little man that he is, so here.

1. What is your occupation? Internet Junky.
2. What color are your socks right now? bar'foot.
3. What are you listening to right now? Le Television
4. What was the last thing that you ate? A bowl of cereal like last night sometime.
5. Can you drive a stick shift? Used to be able to but I haven't driven anything in years cos I don't even have a license. Well cept for my dad's big blue van but we won't talk about that. *shifty eyes*
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Grass green.
7. Last person you spoke to on the phone? A lady inviting my husband and I to a play reading.
8. Do you like the person who sent this to you? I have to. I'm related to them.
9. How old are you today? 28. TWENTY-EIGHT. GAH. *falls out of chair*
10. Favorite drink: right now, 7UP.
11. What is your favorite sport to watch? the rugby. But I don't keep up on it and it's more fun to watch with my new Gran, so really i never watch it so i don't watch any sports. But i would watch a lot more football here if this guy refereed every single game.
12. Have you ever dyed your hair? Billions of times...Pink, purple, fire engine red. Blackish one time. Then there was the pen ink and the packets of kool-aid.
14. Pets? On this continent, a fuzzy attention whore and a fat food whore. On the other continent, a black and white snot who is fucking adorable but needs to be harassed more often.
15. Favorite food? Anything without walnuts or mushrooms that doesn't try to bite me first.
16. What was the last movie you watched? Currently watching War Games with Matthew Broderick, pre-Ferris Bueller.
17. Favorite day of the year? Dunno, so far it's october 16th *grin*
18. What do you do to vent anger? I cry like a bitch.
19. What was your favorite toy as a child? All of them. Especially everyone else's that I didn't ever get.
20. Which is your favorite: Fall or Spring? Spring, but i love me some fall too.
22. Cherries or Blueberry? BLueberries, like the ones I gorged myself on when i was 7 and then upchucked in the back of the dodge dart. Into my lap.
23. Do you want your friends to email you back? I'm not emailing this because I am a dick. And if I get anymore from a certain brother of mine I will embarass him in public next time I see him which beeter be soon.
24. Who is most likely to respond? Who knows, I never send these along.
25. Who is least likely to respond? Everyone.
26. Living arrangements? Alive and well.
27. When was the last time you cried? Last night. Actually I just now cried a little when my husband's friend called him a poof and i was laughing really hard.
28. What is on the floor of your closet? We don't have a proper closet.
29. Who is the friend you have had the longest that
you are sending this to? My oldest friend is Kaotix, but he's not getting this unless he reads el blog. (TWELVE YEARS biatch!)
30. What did you do last night? Cried, played WoW, watched Coronation Street and CSI and some other crime shows. We like crime shows. Precious.
31. Favorite smells? Cookies.
32. What inspires you? Wit.
33. What are you afraid of? Ghosts.
34. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? Cheeseburger! Ya ya ya ya yaaaa.
35. Favorite dog breed? The kind that doesn't rape your leg.
37. How many keys on your key ring? One.
38. How many years at your current job? Well, if you call this a job, then a year and change.
39. Favorite day of the week? Thursday. BEST day to go out drinking.
40. How many states have you lived in? For real, 2. Lived temporarily in three more.
41. Have you ever driven a motorcycle or heavy
machinery? No, but I rode a motorcycle with someone who usually drives like a maniac and I made him go really slow because I was scared shitless.

The world can sleep easy tonight.

Also, my computer done be broke so I am on a ghetto one so NO, NO PICTURES. Not for a while anyway.

PS ps. there was no number 13, if not by fluke, then by someone can't fucking count.

2006-10-13T19:32:00.000+01:00

ok so who ever decided that today would be a good day for a freak snowstorm in buffalo has a sick twisted sense of humour. mum and the geezer are supposed to leave in a few hours to head for newark and then head here...i'm supposing that they'll be a bit late as there are 2 feet of white cementy snow holding things up -- or weighing things down, rather. the geezer was telling me earlier that there were pictures on the news of a huge jet upended practically because of the weight of the snow on its tail.

so i am more in shock that it snowed so much so early than i am sad that they will be held up, but whatshisname keeps telling me that they'll be here, they still have days. which is very true and from what i hear, the sun is out and shining so western new york will be treated to some flash floods in the near future.

2006-10-10T16:24:00.000+01:00

warcraft is down for the day, which sucks because i have to wait all day for them to do the maintenance while everyone stateside gets to go to work and think about playing the game and then come home and play it cos the work is done while i have to wait until my entire day has passed and be bored and not write in my blog cos i am, how you say, le boring. whatshisname and i are going out for a chinese tonight, though, so that will pass some time.

the Big Day is next week, mum arrives saturday and hopefully the wedding jitters will stay cool. jitters period can fuck off. i had a panic attack downtown the other day whilst ring shopping, but that was due to lots of people out, which was the lesser of two evils, but the screaming of british sirens coming down the street terrorised me into tears and i had to drink a bunch of rescue remedy and eat a mint and cling to whatshisname and try not to hyperventilate. i was still shocked about that happening far into the evening. we got our rings fine, thankfully.

i was going to write a bunch of stuff about how people annoy me but i changed my mind and now other people can imagine what i was going to write.

im tired. i didnt sleep until 8.05 this morning.

snakes on a plain

2006-09-23T14:30:00.000+01:00

ok ok ok so i know i posted this like 2 days ago or whatever, but in a massive stroke of genius...or was that just a stroke...? anyway, cos i am cleverer than the cleverest me on a good day i added a caption.

fuck i'm witty. >.>

that oughta get me some hits. i know how many people can't tell the difference between that plain and the other plane. i know this because i game and because people also can't tell they're from their from there. and also everyone calls warlocks 'locks' and it makes me want to commit horrible hate crimes upon those who do, and some of those people are my friends. A lock is something that a rogue picks. harumph n stuff.

fat freddy is a foo foo! <3

2006-09-21T16:52:00.000+01:00

in other news my friend fred has gone to that cat condo in the sky, and i'm happy for him, cos the bink was a biatch to him, but i'm sad cos he was a kickass cat. least he won't have that nasty tumor on his footyfoot anymore. i'll miss em though. he went to sleep for the last time last monday.

aaaaand as should be expected, malygos (my wow realm, thats the last time i'm tellin ya!) went super wonky freakster like again for the billionth time, and as i was running to honor's stand there was nothing waiting to chase me around and try to bite my bony undead hinder, which was completely out of sorts.

also, i suddenly had 4 snakes following me when i should have only had one. here's the proof. it's not pudding, but it could be if you liked scales. and skanky undead chicks. that's me in the middle. defibrula, if ya care so much.

for the horde!

2006-09-18T15:03:00.000+01:00

world of boredcraft

2006-09-12T15:04:00.000+01:00

i've been pretty antisocial lately. i hate famous people and non famous people and people who say stupid shit on tv and drama queens and actrsses and all sorts of stupid shit. i am pretty socially inept...completely incapable of meeting new people even on the internet and i'm pretty much okay with that. i know all my right people. i also fucking despise music. bland blander blandest with only a few that aren't boring cookie cutter trend bands and that makes me hate musicians even though i know they work hard.

blahblahfghwgadsblahblah

world of warcraft is down (oh maybe that explains my social ineptness/hatefulspitefulness/whatever and if that does then jump my butt and eat shit) and it will be until my evening time because blizzard is lame even though theyre not and it's not fair i have to be bored all day in the uk while all the happy americans will get to come home to a fresh patch after a long day of hating bush. it always takes me by surprise...every time and it's annoying i don't catch on and i never notice anything new unless it's either bitched about in general chat or on the patch window in big letters with a picture and usually that doesn't make a difference whatsoever cos it will always be ZOMG LAG times infinity. zomg n00b. emote emote.

i'd say im happy with everyone but myself but it's quite the opposite.

i might actually delete this later.

ps. sorry. i'm not going back to journalspace. that was a passing whim/moment of insanity.

8 things you may or may not know about me

2006-09-05T12:45:00.000+01:00

i got tagged like 2 weeks ago by the lovely JaG and I am finally doing my homework and dusting off the cobwebs and yeah.

everyone has already done this, so i'm not tagging anyone. 8 things y'all! ok here we go.

1. i took drum lessons from a real rock star person once. i think i still owe him money so i am not saying who.

2. i fucking let my flickr pro run out and now i have to wait till next month to upload pictures or somehow put lots of money in my american bank account so i can also pay for my world of warcraft sub that has also expired. i neeeeeeeed them!!!

3. it's now 10 minutes to one, i've been out shopping and back, had lunch and this was hours ago. how efficient am i. it was bloody humid and grey out. if i hadn;t worn my jacket and my hat i think i would have stayed out longer. i wanna go shopping again. did you know that $400 =£196?

4. my anxiety is going byebye, i think. been a good few weeks.

5. i very nearly thought about writing in my old blog, because i like the layout. but due to circumstances, i most certainly will not. (i'm still waiting for an apology, dammit)

6. the postman probably heard me singing a song to the cats. it was a reprise of 'maria' by blondie.

7. my youngest brother is fucking weird and i wish i had known that a long time ago.

8. i know a guy in a band (Catch) who is going to be playing at the venue in liverpool where the beatles were discovered. i hope they get discovered too! i would so make a cardboard sign and wait at the airport and scream when they came out of baggage claim. i am also going to be taking pictures of said band, but not in liverpool, in belfast or something.

warrior of a lost world

2006-08-04T01:57:00.000+01:00

world of warcraft has recently sucked me in, engulfed me and i play for hours. its a good thing i can't work here yet or else i would miss work. a lot of work, due to lack of sleep.

other than that i dont have much to say, i haven't even been taking pictures or reading or anything other than sleeping, eating, playing world of warcraft. sad, i know. :) the only reason i am writing here now is cos they are restarting the servers to fix something.

i'm having a good time though. i don't have much else to share with the world, whoever may still be popping in to see what's going on in my small bit of the internet. guess the gaming bit of my brain is on, and the other it is on holiday in bermuda getting drunk and will hopefully come back with it's buddies ready for some football or whatever.

i wish mystery science theatre was still on tv. we're running out of seasons. MITCHELL!!

white wine spritzer

2006-07-28T03:46:00.000+01:00

it's like i've totally forgotten about this thing, but in reality it's just me playing everquest all day and hanging out with my pixellated friends killing stuff and all that shit.

i still don't feel like talking much but it's coming back to me and so maybe a real blog post will remove itself from my brain and appear on the internet somewhere. i haven't even been writing in my james bond blog (ie SECRET).

the wedding colour theme, at least for me, is gonna be sage/celery green. i still have to go shopping, thankfully i have loads of time. orange and red and yellow-ish flowers. mmhmm. lemon creme cake. indeed!

hope everyone is well. ill tear myself away from EQ and visit soon, i promise.

la da dee da da

2006-07-21T05:19:00.000+01:00

my favourite ice cream

2006-07-16T16:44:00.000+01:00

one of my favourite things to do right now is take pictures of bugs.

i see a lot of photos when i surf my flavourite blogs (and i do...but i am sneaky and need to start mouthing off a little) and everyone has such a nice personal flair. i like seeing the world through other people's viewfinders.

what is your best thing to photograph? post a pic in comments, if thou so wishest, since haloscan added a nifty new little 'add image' button right above where you write them. freakin fabulous!

stonehenge

2006-07-15T02:00:00.000+01:00

still not much to say.

beetlejuice

2006-07-14T05:32:00.000+01:00

heehee

mooooooooose

2006-07-11T13:27:00.000+01:00

today let's look at some pictures of cats.

good idea.

fred

thomas (aka the bink)

ralphie

ink (aka ink the cat, ink the stink, schwartz and moosh)

clio

scamp

what's your favourite animal?

maybe baby

2006-07-10T05:08:00.000+01:00

roy

2006-07-09T02:45:00.000+01:00

you're the species...i'm the extinction

2006-07-07T12:01:00.000+01:00

a little colour for a friday afternoon, flowers to remember the 7th of july.

don't ever forget.

sneaky snake

2006-07-05T15:43:00.000+01:00

i found this little guy in a shallow part of my dad's pond when i was back home. he was kind enough to let me play paparazzi and shoot a few pictures while he stuck his snout out of the water. he was about 1 foot long, not very big at all, but was relatively unfrightened of me as i crouched less than a foot away from him. when i first stumbled upon him, he rolled, very nearly completely belly-up in the water, showing me a white tummy (snakes have tummies dammit!) and the assumed the deadly s-position (if you watch crococile hunter or jeff corwin you'll know) but relaxed after a bit.

he ran away after ralphie the little ginger boy leapt onto my back soaking wet.

he's quite the little swimmer, unafraid of the water.

wedding in october!

snuggly bits

2006-07-01T14:48:00.000+01:00

ginger cat!

your wove is wike a wed wed wose

2006-06-30T14:23:00.000+01:00

ta da!

ink is ever the little lady.

you can do it

2006-06-29T13:01:00.000+01:00

i am almost done uploading my million bajillion photos to flickr, thank goodness. okay...maybe not. shit. all of my snow photos are on a different computer. same house, same room, just not hooked up. the seasons will be screwy, oh well!

and for yer asses, my coup de grace, magnum opus, mon favouritest bunch of photos at the mo are here, in this slideshow of golden yellowness. click the picture to enjoy.

it's known as misumenoides formosipes (i'm about 98% certain), or the crab spider. i'm going to make that my day's endeavour and look it up.

i have a wee page set up here asking for info. maybe i should ask about the green and gold bugger too.

zero

2006-06-28T10:19:00.000+01:00

i am listening to my smashing pumpkins double album (mellon collie and the infinite sadness)ON TAPE because my keane cd is nowhere to be found and i may just rumble the foundation of the world into dust if it doesnt show up soon.

last night i felt the rage so bad that i had to stop playing a game so i could make a cuppa and do deep breathing excersizes so i didnt kill something and we all know ill be making an appearance as mc menses at the beginning of next month so everyone buy your tickets out of town cos i am probably going to knock over a building because i can't help it.

i cant believe i remember all the words to these songs...well mostly when i am not making sounds/lip syncing along. i can't even remember to send emails 5 minutes ago with a picture attached but i can remember songs from 10 years ago?

moo cha cho

2006-06-28T09:11:00.000+01:00

row, ya bastards

2006-06-27T18:25:00.000+01:00

gotten through the biggest bit of photo editing thank goodness. still loads more and i am weighing myself down with all the pictures i keep taking.

so, there is a lot of new stuff on my flickr. I am going to figure out how to do an album or something because as much as i like flickr it's a lot to ask people to go there and page through, sometimes. specially as many as i post.

i am posting larger photographs, now. the original layout is by noipo, entitled 'photolog'. it is also inspired by grrlsweat who i don't know at all but she takes awesome pictures and i am not stalking her nor am i trying to rip her off she just has good ideas and i am hopefully complementing rather than being unoriginal.

plus finding a decent photoblog layout was a bitch and a half.

voluptuous red

2006-06-26T00:45:00.000+01:00

slideshow! click the picture! many more where that came from.

i don't have a lot to say, so i'll just show what i've been working on. i've uploaded a mega arse tonne more photos from my trip home onto my flickr" but i have about 10 times more to edit and shit. yayness!

there's kitty photos so do have a peek. everyone loves kitty photos.

oh yeah and overhaul. someday. i'm a lazy bastard.

hope everyone is well!

mayapple

2006-06-25T13:02:00.000+01:00

i rationed my breaths

2006-06-22T11:18:00.000+01:00

I just flew in like 2 days ago and BOY are my arns tired. They were too tired for me to type. I had my first real curry and on Sunday we are setting a date for the BIG DAY.

SQUEEAAAL!!!

Pictures on Flickr...none here because I am too busy with housework and EverQuest.

In that order in that size.

Okay I have to go scare the cats with the vaccuum and maybe sometime I will overhaul my blog after I get done editing all my photos in batches (we don need no steenking BATCHES!) and stuff and things and yeah.

Stuff later. I am feeling nonbloglike at the mo and so that's my excuse and I am stuck to that like a fly on rice.

here I am...to rock you like a hurricane

2006-06-18T14:29:00.000+01:00

Last night before bit my tongue so hard it still hurts Mum and the Geezer and I took Ink the Cat up the hill to their spot and we watched the fireflies. I wish everyone could have seen it...the treeline and the field was a green blinky convention and it was a nice last night here in New York.

Right now I am trying to contain myself before we leave for the airport. I'll be in Newark most of the day, but that's alright. This evening I fly out and follow the first star till morning and then Whatshisname will take me home and all will be well.

Pictures soon...blog overhaul soon and stuff like that. When I have time. I gotta run off this belly that got me while I was here. This bride will NOT be fair, fat and wide. Dammit!

Okay yeah gotta go see everyone soon!

stop drop and egg roll

2006-06-15T23:26:00.000+01:00

I have killed an ungodly amount of brown recuse spiders out here at Mum's. Like, 11.

I've actually gotten pretty used to seeing spiders, now. They're not something I like to see creeping around, but I don't feel they all need to be stepped on, mashed, diced, sliced and squished anymore. Except the poisonous ones that hide in Mum's flowerbeds that she tends to barehanded. No biting my mommy dammit. So I shovelled most of what I saw to death.

They have me doing this backbreaking labor in the hot hot sun and I am a little pink, and I hate how warm it is, but I enjoy the fact that I am getting paid and that it's a good time to go shopping and buy me some new girly clothes. I have to bring home an extra suitcase!

Tomorrow is a barbecue thingy Mum is havin before I leave on Sunday. Saturday we'll probably go shopping again so I have more crap to cram into my luggage.

It' s not exciting out here, otherwise.

I saw fireflies, though!

okay...but i don't want people thinking we're robosexuals

2006-06-12T18:41:00.000+01:00

Okay, so my comments will be down until they come back. And I don't know when that is, SO if anyone REALLY REALLY has something to say or wants to say something, if you don't have my email already, hit me up at blame.the.commies AT gmail DOT com (write that like a regular email address).

Sporadic maybe posting during the week as I go shopping and hang out with Mum and get ready to head home.

Fred is not pleased with being kicked out of my room, the Bink either. The orange kitty who has been dubbed Ralphie by my dad's woman is okay, working on a home for him, at least a pet rescue where he won't get euthanised. And like I said before if anyone from the south of Buffalo area in in New York wants a kitty, seriously let me know, he's awesome. He swims; likes strawberry yoghurt, spinach and cheese soup, cauliflower, broccoli; has heat resistant paws (has to have from the time he jumped on top of the grill to get my pork chop) and he will love you forever.

Anyway, later.

you're about to be bat-dadded

2006-06-12T05:03:00.000+01:00

My comments went poof. I'll deal with that later when I give a crap.

I just totally cried real tears at the end of Joe Dirt just now.

This one time when I was like 3, I met Robert Redford when he was filming The Natural in the town right by us. They had to stop filming because they were getting glare off my dad's old Chevy Nova and Mum was sitting in there breast-feeding my brother (who has a $3000 camera and I want to send someone to bite his groin abd chop up his credit cards) and they had to cover up the car and both parties got a big surprise and Mum was all embarassed cos Robert Redford was right there and yeah, I'd be embarassed too.

And by met, I probably mean saw him from a great distance, but that is my second earliest memory.

My first memory ever I will have to relate later after I finish spazzing out from the huge pink frosting rose I ate off of the cake we had for dinner tonight.

oh the human-on-man-ity

2006-06-09T06:54:00.000+01:00

Okay so I was watching TV with my dad and his woman the other day and eating dinner and this advert comes on for some pill for men who need to piss a lot urgently, stuff like that…so it makes you pee less often and blah blah, something about a prostate, there are side effects whoopdedoo and two of them were runny nose and reduced amount of semen (like you produce less) so I was like "I bet that's why you get a runny nose, cos of the lack of semen downstairs" and my dad and his woman fucking cracked up so hard and he says to me "that's sick" and I am about falling out of my chair laughing.

So that little orange cat is still around, he comes around when I yodel for him in the morning. (I am indeed the inventor/creator of the patented Tobas cat call, Tobas being my old cat who now resides with Kaotix.) And he meows and I yodel and meow and he yowls and comes stumbling out of the brush after a night of debauchery with the barn cat ladies down the lane.

I learned yesterday that he is not afraid of water and that he will follow me through shallow water (with only a wee hesitation) and that he will not freak out when I put him in water that's just a little deep, and he will swim back to the patch of gravel on the beach and meow at me, rather than streak off into the tall grass screaming like its been set on fire then dipped in tobasco sauce and then shot in the ass with penicillin. We had a nice little time out yesterday, and then today I went wading again and kitty came swimming but this time, it was a bit different.

I lo and beholded a watersnake so I had to leap into the water (it was ankle deep, and damn I love not having to take off my flip flops…I can wade in em then walk through the house :D ) with the last 4 pictures on my camera so I could get the angle and the shot and the snake held still for me and he poked his head out the water at me and was like, "what's up dude." And I got in real close and I was like "GIVE ME SEXY THAT'S IT SUCK IN THOSE CHEEKBONES OH YEAH THAT'S PERFECT HOLD THAT POSE NOW GIVE ME MISCHEVIOUS *snap snap snap snap* You’re gorgeous baby, let's do lunch I'll have my people call your reptiles CHOW." And while I was shooting the cat waded through the pond and jumped on me.

I got owned. I had wet pussy CAT all over me.

So now I'm officially out of room on my camera and I DON’T KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO DO for my last 10 days of being here. 9 now. NINE DAYS YOU FUCKERS!!!!!!

Okay, you're not all fuckers. How about [baletes 'fuckers'] I *POINTPOINTPOINTPOINT*

I'll do the I am OUTTA here dance and shake a baby I mean my moneymaker and then eat a cookie. There is one chocolate chip cookie left and I am going to save it. I must resist the call of the cookie. There are dutch chocolate ones, but those aren't as good.

Oh and I totally watched this SUPER freakyscaryspooky show on SciFi about a haunted sanatorium (what abandoned sanatorium ISN'T freaking haunted) and it was SO scary and I was afraid of the dark for a while and then I realized there's one that’s like 15-20 miles from here (Perrysburg) and I've driven by it a whole buncha times and I bet that shit is scary as fuck too. Not that I have the cahones to even slow down driving by a place like that.

Ok and then um...hmm. That's it. I have a bug bite on my ankle and I am going MAAAAAAAAD.

knee high to a butter bean

2006-06-06T22:18:00.000+01:00

Just when the blog was getting boring cos nothing was going on, one of the gigantic maple trees next to the driveway grew a howling orange cat night before last, and I coaxed it out and it meowed at me. I met up with the wee orange catty cat again yesterday and we hung out and walked around the pond and he almost rolled off the deck into the water because it is SOOOOO completely utterly orangely adorable and he was being cute and then he spent the night on the porch and ate a can of dog food (there were no complaints!) and at 0130ish after the Golden Girls was over, I went outside to say goodnight and while I was sittin out there, a raccoon peeked out from under the porch at me TWICE and I am hesitant of them but it was sweet nonetheless.

Then I slept like shit cos I was starting to get real homesick and moody cos my dad's woman is menopausal and that caused me to skip and entire month and if that ain't hell, I don't know what. And I didnt wanna turn the light on to read and the cats were fighting across me again and it was starting to get light out and I finally went to sleep only to have my dad cranking some fucking folk music celtic bullshit in the kitchen that emanated through the entire house because the walls are only an inch thick why didn't he just hang fucking blankets on string rather than bother drywalling at all so I woke up to that thankfully feather pillows keep sound out. Then I kept wakingup and going back to sleep and I finally got up at 2 something cos I am a lazy rat bastard and then I gotup and they went hiking and orange kitty is off doing something and I was going to download GoPets but I am getting my visa this week so I said fuck it and now I have to go pack.

Oh and if anyone from like, nearish Buffalo wants the cutest orange cat like, ever, blog me and we'll get ya hooked up cos he needs a mommy and he's awesome and is litter trained and will loooove you and will climb on you and lick your hand and sit on your shoulder and puuuururrrrrrrr. So yeah lemme know if anyone wants it for real for sure now and we'll get ya hooked up. If it comes back, that is, he wanders cos he's not fixed.

I have a feeling he'll be round again though.

pulse optional

2006-06-04T04:41:00.000+01:00

beep

beep

beep
beep
beepbeepbeepbeepbeep

beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

actias luna

2006-06-02T18:47:00.000+01:00

I found one of these battering itself against a window last night. Out of everything I've gotten to photograph so far this trip, this has to be the most amazing thing I've had the privelege. (The photo isn't mine, but I have some stored on my digi.) It's the lovliest shade of green I've ever seen.

For more information on the Luna moth, try Wikipedia or the Northern Prairie Wildlife Research Center among a few.

I couldn't even begin to tell anyone how old it is, but by the looks of it's wings the moth has been around a bit, couple of days maybe, as it looks a bit tattered and the swallowtail is about to disintegrate. Hopefully it's still around this evening so I can show my dad and his woman when they get home.

Also, I saw that damned spider I couldn't kill the other night last night. It snuck through the living room, BY MY DESK! behind the sofa and I turned and saw it scuttle out by the televisiom and by the time I grabbed a phone book, the little fucker scurried into safety. DAMN YOOOOOU!!!!! I WILL get that little shit.

History of the World Part 1 is on and it's so funny I am crying. Awesome sauce.

we need to operate...someone get me a butter knife and a straw

2006-06-01T07:28:00.000+01:00

I made some buttons for my blog today because I get caught up and lost on the many winding paths of the internet and end up doing small weird things that are really highly unneccesary but are somehow really important at the time but later on it was like why did i waste my time doing that? And I also didn't throw any cats in ponds though, Fred did bite the crap outta my hand for no reason other than he's a cranky old man and it was like nearly 90 and humid and I would bite people too if I was wearing a fur coat. Then it decided to POURDOWNRAIN as soon as I hung out laundry to dry.

So, I made these for the purpose of linking back here or something akin to that kinda thing. I used this site right here. It's pretty sweet.

So if anyone wants one just right click em and save em and put em on yer blog. Or not. I was just bored.

I also wanted to complain about what a jerk my dad is cos last night there was a huge spider in the kitchen and he was awake and I was downstairs facing this gigantic beast and I shouted for assistance and I even yelled "DADDY! SPIDER!" and he has no compassion cos I had to stand there and stare it down while I thought of a battle plan ALL BY MYSELF and I lost horribly because it's in the sideboard heater somewhere and it's probably got a little Napoleon hat and a pistol and it's going to get me in my sleep because he will gladly give his life so I have a nice early morning snack and everyone will know and laugh at me and I'll be horrified.

I can't believe 'daddy' didn't even work. I'm disappointed.

Also, I almost busted my dad and his woman skinny dipping in the pond yesterday but had the good sense to ask (YELL) if they were naked before I got to the pond. My eyes are safe for now, but damn those old ass hippie foolios need to buy swimsuits.

(Kaotix...shut it...i know what you're thinking, and you've already filled my head with enough of that...imagery. Big meaniehead!)

you clumsy silverback watch my fuckin legs

2006-05-30T22:14:00.000+01:00

HI I'M THE BINK.

I WENT SWIMMING IN THE POND TODAY.

I must have done something awful in one of my past 9 lives. Or yesterday. To Fred. Because he's old.

Or else the filthy stinking human is an asshole.

i can kick your amino acids

2006-05-30T03:41:00.000+01:00

myself: lay off the reefer dude
Trakeen: ohhh reefer
Trakeen: thanks for the reminder
myself: my dad offered me some today
Trakeen: forgot i had some
Trakeen: omg
Trakeen: mail it to me
myself: yeah right
Trakeen: i found a fucking roach the size of my pinky a few days ago
Trakeen: 2 of em actually
myself: nice!
Trakeen: bogart...
myself: a roch the size of your pinky? thats practically a whole jay
myself: yeah well i dont smoke so
Trakeen: bought a fucking bubbler a couple of months ago
Trakeen: lol i know
Trakeen: but we had so much to drink and smoke that night that these were put out about 5 minutes after they were lit up
myself: hehe
Trakeen: and they were huge to begin with
myself: my mum was getting crunked one day while i was still staying at her house
Trakeen: lol
myself: i was on the computer all of a sudden i was like I KNOW THAT SMELL
myself: i love the word crunked. im stealin it from the gangstas
Trakeen: *sniff* *sniff* *sniff* wtf is that coming from?
Trakeen: hehe
Trakeen: i think it's a little out dated
Trakeen: but ok
myself: good then ill be one of the few who use it
myself: and its also funny to use when i tell people what mum was doing
Trakeen: hehe
myself: My mum was getting crunked
myself: AWESOME SAUCE
myself: hahahahaha
Trakeen: hehe
Trakeen: awesome sauce....
Trakeen: i need to see if i can find a chick to say, "i want your awesome sauce"
myself: THATS Not what it means
Trakeen: they already want my awesome cheese dip, but that's food
myself: do not corrupt the awesome sauce with your man juice!!

FIVE MINUTES LATER...

Trakeen: omg
Trakeen: it's putting this shit on your blog?
myself: hahaa no
Trakeen: that's fucked
Trakeen: umm yes
myself: i posted that
Trakeen: oh
Trakeen: lol
myself: dumbass haha

red hot chili

2006-05-28T17:07:00.000+01:00

Back in the summer of '96 when I used to drive legally and party with some people behind a vineyard in Silver Creek, I had an '87 pontiac nerdherder...I mean stationwagon. It was Kaotix's favourite car in the world cos his lazy ass could lay down in the back seat while I busted my ass driving around. And it was awesome cos I could fit all my friends in one place and endanger all of our lives at the same time.

I mean cart us around like I was some kinda chauffeur.

Fortunately I was mostly by myself when I decided my car could fly, well, it decided it could fly.

Before I go into this, though, earlier that day I had been driving with a girlfriend of mine and on our way back from Fredonia or something we I hit a wild turkey.

I was a mess, but it was worse because we had all three of her sisters in the back seat and it was WORSE because BABY turkeys ran across the road after I killed mommy. There was a fuss, like a henouse full of chickens all clucking at once, I put the turkey in the backest part of the car because saving the corpse seemed like a good idea at the time and then my friend drove us partway because I was freaked. That didn't work so well cos she didn't have her glasses so I had to drive again, but it was all okay.

Later that day...

There was a bunch of us getting ready to go somewhere I don't really recall, but there were three cars and I had to follow two other vehicles down a road to someone else's house that I had never been to before.

And we rode.

I managed to keep up with the freakin Camaro and some white like jetta or something that was faster than me until they got to the main 4 lane road and crossed before I did. I had to stop and wait for a bunch traffic to pass and then I had no clue where I was to go.

Now, I lost sight of the others because of some railroad tracks. I don't think it's called a tressel, as I think that's a bridge, this was more like a sudden almost 45 degree angle with tracks on top.

I looked both ways, and gunned it across the street, not really realising how fast I was going, which, in actuality wasn't THAT fast, but I stamped the gas hard enough so that when I got to the top of the tracks I launched the car off of the tracks and caught a good few feet of air and flew and landed and the glass gate window in the back popped open and I knocked alll the dust out of the air conditioner and the dead turkey got a good jostling.

I drove a little way, having no clue where I was, and pulled over, popped the hood to see if anything was on fire/exploded/out of place like I knew something, which I didn't and worried about the dust, then wondered where the fuck my friends were. I drove down the street a little way and then turned around and went back towards the tracks.

My friends were at a house RIGHT NEXT to the tracks. Figures.

I pulled in and they were all like, 'DUDE was that YOU who just flew past?' as they had all just seen the white streak slam by and zoom off down the street.

Indeed it was. And that shit still makes me fuckin laugh my ass off, and I didn't even break the car.

brother, can you spare a dime

2006-05-27T18:57:00.000+01:00

Today I went for a drive in a big blue van and took some sunny country lanes to go to the store in the small town not far away and I got passed by an old man in a green minivan cos I was only going 30 cos that felt like super speed racer to me cos I haven't driven a car in like 9 years (also known as I just got into a car without having a freaking anxiety attack. I rule). And I don't even have a license but that's okay. I explained the cop situation in the post entitled 'my english is superb.'

Anyway, I saw my friend's mum at the store where she's worked for ever and chased her down and made her stop working for a couple of minutes and then I tottered around the store because I was kinda freaked out that I drove and I was excited and stuff and I forgot my sleepytime tea so now I have to go back. Oh no. Whatever will I do. Shucks.

I forgot how lovely the countryside is this time of year, so I stopped to take some photos of the railroad tracks this girl I used to hang out with (in fact she's mentioned in the post entitled 'my english is superb' as well) ramped her car off of and we sped into the corn feild because right after the tracks is a curve. Man, that was awesome. She totally freaked the fuck out too. (Kaotix...that was on the road that leads up to your old pad, near Kent Switch...member?!)

Anyway, I got me some Fritos and some Dr pepper and some food for Fred and came back and checked my sitemeter because I like to see what's goin on in the world of my blog. I check more for who came from where (what blog/what country) rather than how many hits I've gotten in a day and I decided that I would share with everyone my exciting list of hits from around the world, in order from most to least. (This is seriously so freaking exciting for me.)

United States

Canada

United Kingdom

Australia

Germany

Netherlands

Singapore

Hong Kong

Malaysia

Japan

France

Denmark

India

United Arab Emirates

Romania

Vietnam

Bermuda

Colombia

Sweden

Slovenia

Norway

Puerto Rico

Lithuania

Chile

Brazil

Belgium

My blog is exotic!

Oh yeah, and Gephyro (my littlest brother, also mentioned in 'my english is superb'), your car is out of gas. And the fabric ceiling interior stuff is falling in and I am scared I am going to meet something big black and hairy with eight legs that's as big as your hand because it lives in your volvo.

ginger kids have no soul

2006-05-27T05:14:00.000+01:00

someone pass the rage-ahol.

people are so fucking retarded that it's hard to even be online with some of them and i feel like i won't be able to get away from them without a little bit of mental retardation rubbing off on me.

i saw the cutest little orange cat i ever done seen ever just a little bit ago and it meaowed at me and wanted to play and fred yowled at him so i only played with it for a little bit and then i went inside and listened to it complain outside and i made myself ignore it cos fred is my main dude right now and he needed to be fed old man cat food anyway. tomorrow i'm lookin for it again, though. even though i bet it wandered back home.

i am completely addicted to fritos...i think they fry them in crack.

i saw a bunny.

my english is superb

2006-05-26T18:58:00.000+01:00

I was watching this show about pigs on the National Geographic channel, earlier, and they showed some pigs doin' it (what is up with the animal sex on this blog lately? This has GOT to stop) and the voice-over JUST SO HAPPENED to mention the word 'pork' and I nearly fell out of my chair laughing. The timing was just too awesome.

You know the guys who edited the show did that on purpose.

I have almost successfully filled up the new 1 gig memory card I just bought (I mean Mum helped me buy) and I think there are about 150 pictures left and I almost hope it keeps raining until a few days before I leave so I will have room to take more pictures at Mum's house. You know, cat, inanimate objects, people making weird faces, class stuff like that.

Lately I've been obsessed with seeing how close up I can get to an object and still have the shot come out in focus, and god damn the camera Whatshisname bought me for christmas kicks ASS. And I have just discovered the dorky little frames I can add onto photos and have started taking pictures of the cats with fuckin faerie wings and big pink hearts around their fuzzy heads while they glare menacingly and that is fun.

So I think once I finally get to upload and edit all these things, I will have very close to 2000 shots to edit and shit. Okay, maybe 1693 if I have done my math correctly, which I probably did not because maths is my lifelong blood enemy and we will forever have a deep burning hatred for each other that noone will ever be able to match. 1600 is close to 2000.

Tomorrow I might take my dad's van and illegally drive to the scary super market in the scary town and buy Fritos because I am almost out because I could not resist the call of this one unopened bag I had left and they are almost gone.

I have a healthy obsession/slight problem with Fritos, Nightcrawler from Xmen, Frasier and most cop shows.

See, I might illegally drive because the last time I ever EVER saaw a cop out here was like 10 or 11 years ago when someone (some bitch, actually) called the sheriff and broke up my brothers house party. Albeit good that someone did break it up cos one retard got alcohol poisoning, and there's a big long story about that, actually.

So, I was living in this shitty little shoebox in Falconer, NY above a shitty hardware store who's owner sent a spy up to monitor our behavior (we could see him out in the hallway lurking outside our door). I was living with prego turbo bitch and her fat blockhead of a boyfriend. She had a friend in the volunteer fire department out in Leon and we hung out with him constantly, and we were okay friends and stuff and stuff.

One day we were all chillin, I think it was at someone else's shitty apartment right near us and I was drinkin'...some off brand of non-kool-aid like Flavor-aid or something that was 1000 for a dollar and it was blue and mixed with cheap ass vodka in a mixing bowl and I was havin at it right good. Right out of the bowl (it had an easy pour spout).

He's all like, "Dude someone OD'd at your house" and recites the addressto me and I was like "OH FUCK!" thinking that one of my brothers (my younger borther actually) like, killed himself or tried to or something like that. We were all like, "Oh shit!" and hopped in his truck and slammed on the blue light. EVERYONE pulled over for our asses as we sped out to my folk's house, while I was drunk and gabbering about "why the fuck would my brother do this? What the hell happened?" and also about "HAHA YEAH PULL OVER BIATCHES!! YEEEE-HAAAAAW!" and we speed through the night and arrive at my house in record time.

We were both quite shocked to find a LOT of cars parked in the driveways and on the side of the road and a sheriff's car. Nowhere to be seen is my brother and there were still a few kids mingling around and there were bongs and bottles EVERYwhere. (Mum was finding bongs for a week or so after that...she was like "MINE!!" and I am fairly certain she got crunked.)

Nowhere to be seen is a certain brother of mine. Either, actually. It turned out my younger brother was fine, he was with this lady who had a son he was friends with and was spending the night there and she was bringing him home and saw the par-tay goin on and she narced em out. Good, because like I mentioned someone had gotten a wee bit too drunk and had to go to the ER or something. Most of the other retarded little fuckers who were all little pissants I hated in school had scattered off through the darkness into the fields and the woods and stuff, my brother being among those foolios.

So I was drunk, talking to the sheriff and wondering where the goddamn hell my brother was. I was gonna rip em a new one cos some asshole kids had ravaged my folks room and stole a bunch of crap. My friend and I look around for him and we found his dumb ass curled up 15 sheets to the wind in a DITCH in his SOCKS and no jacket. This was in like January, mind you.

That's absolutely hysterical to me, yet I wanted to shake the living hell out of him at the same time.

So we drag him to jail where he was released to me ad I dragged him back to the shitty apartment in Falconer after a long ass drive to Little Valley where the jail and the sheriff's office is and he woke up to a rip-roarin' hangover the next day.

Anticlimactic ending...I just like the drive out and finding him in a ditch. I mean, how often do you find someone in a ditch ALIVE? Also, the bowl of fake-aid and 5 dollar a bottle vodka.

I JUST SAW A BLACK AND WHITE BUNNY IN THE YARD!

skulls for the skull throne!

2006-05-25T20:03:00.000+01:00

I hate it when people channel surf. I mean I seriously want to go on a murderous rampage and murder people who havent even been born into your family if you channel surf while a show is on. I will fucking rip your heart out and choke you with it. I will probably fucking attack and rip and tear and maim and dominate. Throw someone down a flight of steps after a swift kick to the cranium. Curbstomp their dog and kick their mom. (I could go on, I got a whole damn list.)

I don't really have rage issues. I just can't help that little tiny things get under my skin sometimes and irritate me to the point that I need to get out of the room or I will do something rash and stupid and I am not a teenager anymore, I can be arrested.

So now I will go the fuck outside and scream at some trees.

AN HOUR AND A HALF LATER:

Due to the recent hormonal squall, I grabbed my camera, and abandoned ship and I went and petted some horses. After I stood at the fenceline for about an hour trying to garner some attention, since I really have no idea how to speak to horses, especially ones that only understand Pennsyvania Dutch, I stood there and said HEEEEEERRRE HORSIES! *tsk tsk* WHATCHA DOIN HORSIES AAAAW COME ON PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEEE! HelllloooOOOOOOO *little kid hip sway dance* I WANT TO PEEEEEEEEETTTTTTTTT YOOOOOOOOUUU. I AM THE HORSIE WHISPERERERERERIE!!!!!! *horse neigh noise I learned in kindergarten* MY LITTLE PONY MY LITTLE PONY WEEEEEEEE

That doesn't work.

So I stood there and blabbered and took some photos and then they all finally decided as a herd that I was interesting and mobbed over.

Some interesting points of my visit with my equine comrades were:

Watching mommy horse fart directly in baby horse's face, as it was unfortunately right by her bootyhole.
The Clydesdale that stood staring at me and then decided to drop a boner. Exactly what I needed to see to may my day complete.
Being downwind of half a dozen farting machines. DAYUM.
Next time I think I will bring them some of the apples that my dad doesn't eat because it is nice to spoil other people's work animals.

I couldn't find the video of the Vomelette that I wanted to post, so we must all do without. I am way more disappointed than anyone. 'Cept maybe Natalie.

Also, I just jumped because I thought a piece of grass on the floor was a monster spider and I spook like a horse (hah) when it sees a mouse or whatever the hell it is that spooks them besides say, baby dragons or the ghost of Anne Boleyn or something.

Also, I am a big pussy.

vomit souffle

2006-05-24T23:12:00.000+01:00

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to my blog.

MY GLOB IS PRETTY!!!

This is where I got the template, Gecko & Fly.

Fritos are edible gooooooold.

2006-05-24T17:46:00.000+01:00

The other night I dreamt that Stephen Colbert wanted to make the sweet sweet love to me but I felt very very wrong about that because I am engaged. So he didn't. I really don't remember much else about that one except that I have started dreaming about famous people.

I watch too much TV...it's awesome.

Not too long before that, I dreamt that I was friends with Jessica Simpson and we were camping on a beach, in this cave, and I told her honestly as a friend that she looked way better without the botox, and her lips unswelled and she was like OH MY GOD YOU'RE RIGHT! And all was well in the world.

I was neither drunk nor high either of those times, unless birthday cake equals a booze or a narcotic. Which I don't think that is true. But frosting sends me into a coma like nothing else.

Holy crap..I'm super bloated. I think a beach is calling me somewhere. I need to go wash up on it.

And then last night I dreamt that I was in a men's prison and I got in there by hot air balloon and three of the convicts were helping me to get out, and we were out in the 'yard' and only just a round a corner cos I stuck out like a sore thumb as I was the only white person there. (I think that came from watching Timmy and Jimmy join the Crips on South Park last night.) So we were trying to fix the hot air balloon and the one guy who was supposed to be lookout wan't playing lookout and we were gettin kinda freaked out, so what the main hero guy did was smuggle me out of the emergency exit that we were hiding right next to (hah) and we somehow mingled in a hallway full of wardens and cleanshirt types that looked like school teachers and made out way to the gymnasium cos the alarm from the E-exit was going off and we all went in there and we professed our love for each other and I said I would wait for him (wtf) and then I made my way out of the prison that looked more like an elementary school and I went out and waited for the bus, except I almost got run
over by some dude on a skateboard who sneered at me as he buzzed by and then I had to wait for like 50 million taxi cabs to pass and then a bunch of other traffic so I could cross the street, which looked really familiar I just can't place where it was, maybe Tacoma, but anyway so I ran across and at the bus stop was a guy and his little boy and there were a couple of dogs, one of which fell in love with my leg and immediately began humping it like crazy.

Then there was a part where I was wandering along this new beachline and I had a kitten in my hand, it was grey and white tigery, and I climbed up some rock with my kitty, who was being oddly calm, as we were on an active volcano. So I was thinking to myself about the new beachline which was all brownish rocks and kinda steep and we got a little way around a corner and there was the red hot liquid rock pouring into the sea and I turned around and went back the way I came and kitten and I got back to where we came up and there was MORE lava flowing and so I sat down and thought for a second, with my feet dangling over the side of the wee ledge and I could really feel the heat in my dream, so in my dream I got up and I took kitten into this like, navy ship type place with ladders and it was metal and I was kinda scared because something might happen to me and the kitten and we went inside this place and sat down huddled in a corner and imagined lava melting through the metal overhead and I had to wake myself up for real cos I got really scared.

Then I had another part of my dream, and I forget what order all this was in, but I was at my apartment and Kaotix and Eltorito and Ciavarro and Whatshisname were there and I think someone else and I remember Eltorito getting up to answer the door cos someone knocked or something and I moved my foot and he fucking fell and hit his face on the door and it looked like I killed him and I was afraid I had, but he was okay and then Kaotix came in and was making remarks about all the boys in my apartment and being silly and we all left to go somewhere and I didn't have my keys and I was worried about that but I think Ciavarro had my keys and I think this is the part where I somehow got into that prison which was totally odd. It was Wizard of Oz-zy, like how the Wiz got stuck in Oz because his hot air balloon broke and then left in one. I dunno it's been a while since I've seen that.

I think it was all that birthday cake I ate. Birthday birthday birthday cake. It's almost gone, though.

That Sheraton commercial with that one song from the 80's or whatever just made me cry. GREAT. I hope hurricane hormonal rage isn't about to hit again. I better go batten down some hatches or something.

Hey, could you refill my Yahtzee cup for me?

2006-05-24T04:30:00.000+01:00

rub a dub dub three men in a tub

2006-05-23T04:01:00.000+01:00

I took pictures of an electric red-orange sunset this evening. I hope the colours come out even somewhat close to what they were. I freaked out and ran out to the pond to try and get some shots which didn't turn out so well, but I managed a few off the deck out back.

It's been overcast the past week or so and it makes me sleepy. I want more sun so the flowers open and the lighting is good.

I feel angsty and want to lash out at people. Not everyone, but some people. There's really no other reason than I don't like the way I am spoken too,but if I had such a huge problem with it I would say so. Maybe I will. Maybe I just don't care enough. Sometimes it's more fun to avoid the whole thing, like a game of cat and mouse noone knows we're playing but me and I snicker and shoot in and out of shadows and hide under tarps and use subterfuge and sneak and I am like a rogue only I won't stab anyone in the back, least not that I'll tell. But I very well might.

But yeah, little things grate my nerves like when knuckles accidentally get scraped with the carrots. There's never any blood in the salad, though.

I only need validation from one person.

I hope it's nice tomorrow so I can sneak around the pond and catch the snakes sunning themselves. There's one out there that's pretty huge, almost the girth of my wrist. And I want to see if I can catch a grasshopper. And a baby toad. And an inchworm.

And pull the legs off em.

Just kidding.

And I want the garden spiders to make webs so I can take pictures of those too. Even though they're the width of my palm on a good day. And bright yellow and black. If not, it's okay. I had a spider on me the other day when I took a walk out in the woods and I didn't shriek and run. It wasn't one of those big wolfy spiders, if it had been, my poor spoogeberried hoodie would still be sitting out there waiting for me to come back and pick it up.

Anyway.

a turnip cures elvis

2006-05-22T05:08:00.000+01:00

Today I feel like a recycled dog turd burrito that got sat on by an elephant with diarrhoea and then trampled by a herd of rabid tyrannosaurus rexeseses wearing stiletto heels and football cleats. I probably smell like it too.

I slept until 7pm.

I crawled into bed around 1am with birthday cake and wine on my breath, it was a good long nap, but I think I will be going back to bed again fairly soon. (As soon as this Law & Order marathon is over.)

A little while ago, I drank some of this all natural detox crap cos I still feel gross and that shit was seriously some of the nastiest shit I have ever seen in a glass. It was this murky greyish shit that kinda congealed cos I didn't drink it all in one shot and so I added more water to it and it was just as thick and nasty. Also, the apple cinnamon flavour it promised...LIES UPON LIES upon stinking filthy LIIIIIIIIIIES. I think it was really powdered stale ass with some grey shit mixed in.

I do feel better, though.

How did 2330 turn into 0139? Oh I know...it took that long to upload that fucking photo.

I LOVE YOU DIAL UP!

Sixteen Candles is on.

Stop looking at me, SWAN

2006-05-21T01:52:00.000+01:00

This has pretty much been a kick ass birthday. (Would have been more kick ass, but due to circumstances and stuff, it is minus a few people BUT! I can't complain as that will be remedied soon.)

Now, I didn't get a bunch of stuff or get super wasted and puke on someone's lawn. In fact, it's almost like I didn't have one because it's been quiet.

Not that I'm complaining.

But today, the aftermath of my twenty-eighthedness...the height of fucking hilarity. Oh it ensues, it ensues.

I was asked what I wanted to eat today, even though legally it's the day AFTER the beeg day, we are havin the celebratory din-din, so we had the BBQ chicken and the main thing, a freakin cake. Haven't had a cake with my name on it in WAY too long.

We feast.

We crack open a bottle of Yellow Tail.

Then comes the cake.

Now, let me clear something up before we go on into this story. My dad, though he makes funny sounds cos he's old, is a man with manners. His new woman, a sweet lady who also has manners. They are also incredibly down to earth and have a sense of humour.

Anyway...

Time comes for me to cut le cake. Oh how it cuts.

We dig out a nice sharp knife, and I measure the first piece and lo...what is that I hear? The release of gasses from someone's backdoor region. And it wasn't my father. Okay, we can handle this. Keep cutting. The sound doesn't stop. It's like there's a frog in the middle of my birthday cake.

At this point we are all cracking up. I poke the cake with the knife and cut a little more, and as if ON CUE, the rectal creak lets forth it's cry.

The three of us are nearly crying with laughter at this point and funnily enough, as we crack about frogs and stuff like that as I cut another piece, someone on TV rips one and we all grab our full-of-chikky-goodness tums and laugh and laugh and exclaim the strain on our bellies.

I think that's the hardest those two have laughed in a long time, and even though I didn't bring on that bout of butt, it was probably one of the most awesome things I've seen. I haven't seen my dad laugh that hard, like, EVER. The timing of it all was more than impeccable.

Thank you, everyone for the birthday wishes, in english, russian, Klingon and portugese.

Kick ass, seabass.

May the spork be with you

2006-05-20T04:27:00.000+01:00

I have 34 minutes left (EST).

I want to hear (see) the birthday song in Klingon.

That is my birthday wish.

Make it so.

Bazoooooooms!

2006-05-19T06:52:00.000+01:00

It’s been a pretty good May 19th so far. My papers are gonna fly, fly, fly to NYC today and that means I will be headin home again!! Better not be any pigeon shit on em when I get them back, though.

Cue the partay…

Now. *Vogue vogue vogue vogue.*

I’m ready to Tanqueray my ass on outta here. (Sounds more like a dance than a booze)

So, I was just standing here a minute ago and I glanced at the floor cos something moved rather quickly under the chair from one side to the other and in my overactive little head it went from being a mouse to a spider until I realized that it was really in actuality in the real world a little tiny moth. I was totally freaked out and poised to go running for a phone book to chunk on it for a good few seconds.

If I was a bird, I sure as hell woulda stayed away from that little shit.

Tomorrow I get a birthday ride on the lawn tractor and mow a bunch of grass, then I get to get on my birthday knees and scrub the birthday floor cos I’ve been doing a half arsed jeeeeeoooorrrrb cleaning up after Fred as he’s been tracking around red Fred juice from his poor little foot. Then after that I am gonna sit on my ass and do nuffin. Hell yes.

I am hoping there is cake in my near future, though. Mmmm…

ps
ride the busblog.

i like me some breffist

2006-05-17T23:46:00.000+01:00

SPOOGE

2006-05-16T23:15:00.000+01:00

I like to yell at Fred while he's sitting on my lap just to see how deaf he really is. I have to yell pretty loud for him to look at me. Usually he just sits there, looking in the wrong direction.

Today I walked around with blueberry yoghurt globbed down the front of my freshly warshed hoodie. All day. I also found it in the end of my ponytail and I don't wanna know how the hell I managed that.

So last night I was innocently sleeping and was summoned back to the land of the living by the Bink who was determinedly trying to dig her way through the door.

I stumble out of bed on the opposite side that I usually get out of because Fred managed to hog 2/3rds of the twin bed. My eyes were mostly closed, it was the almost the buttcrack of dawn, so no new light to speak of yet. I was walkin blind.

I get all of 3 feet and step on a cd suitcase thingy that I had put on the floor to get out of the way of my luggage. Not only did I step on it. With both feet.

I fell on it.

There arose such a clatter that I ran to the shutter to see what was a matter.

Not really, but I did scare the hell out of the cat and wake up my dad's woman who thought I was like, a bear bungee jumping onto the front porch or something.

I hurt.

Also, I made it through a trip out to run errands and get my visa photo taken. I cried like a bitch but I did it!

MEMEMEMEMEMEME!!! *jazz hands*

I'm in rare form today...well done.(AKA The internet hates me and killed my post)

2006-05-15T23:31:00.000+01:00

Let's try this ONE MORE TIME.

It's time for that awesome Dave again. Late as usual, though. Dave's been super busy and he needs to schedule some ME time. mememememememememememe. His number one fan. Not stalker. Fan. The only similarity there is an "a."

(click to make it big...oh yeah...just the way you like it)

Okay so I have to go get a passport picture tomorrow for my visa and that's fuckin awesome but I hate mr anxiety that comes along when I think of being in a car and having to go someplace mostly unfamiliar to me and I feel al sick-stomachey and poopy and stuff but that's not going to stop me OF course because once I get my app filed tomorrow after my dad drags my ass all over god damn Chautauqua county and to a chiropractor's appointment which is going to be boring because doctor waiting rooms are always D-U-L-L. So hopefully we won't be gone all god damn day because I wanna file this and get it in and get out of an upcoming trip to Ohio. I don't wanna go to Ohio. At all. Newp. Thanks. I want to stay here in case the British consulate calls. Because the sooner they get my stuff, the sooner I get out of here and the sooner I get out of here the less cranky I become. And then I won't have to go to freakin Ohio.

I'm losing steam already I had a mile long post and now it's gone and I hope it's the eye of hurricane hormone cos it was FUN.

Fuckingfucketyfuckfuckfuxx0r.

That bitch hit me harder than Katrina hit New Orluns too and I was in Mezilla mode ready to smash Tokyo and eat sashimi and drink Kirin and take out a few skyscrapers with one swish of my awesome tail and then I would stop in the middle of the city and ket out a raucous ear splitting monster yell and shake all the glass out of windows in the next hemisphere and stomp my feet and tsunami Alaska and throw myself on the ground and pitch a huge Shezilla fit.

And I hate exclamation points...blah blah. I think someone shot me with a tranquiliser gun cos I was feisty a minute ago and now I wanna curl up on the sofa and sleep and cry at hallmark commercials. And tear the throats out of those who cross me and then I will rip out their arms and beat them with tier own detached limbs and play the bongo bonita on their soft spots and grraaaawwwrr. Then I will tear out the "1" keys on EVERYone's keyboards and eatthem and fucking shit them out right where they belong.

I am going outside to yell because out here the neighbours dont get annoyed when you yell.

The only downside is that noone can hear you scream.

Cept the Amish, and they'll shoot ya. WITH A BIG SHOOTY GUN.

Bye now.

Yo momma, yo momma, yo momma.

2006-05-14T23:14:00.000+01:00

So I was running from the kitchen to the computer chair again and my ankle gave out and I fell on my face and shook the entire house cos it's built out of sticks instead of bricks and holy goddamn my knees hurt. I just went down like a ton of bricks and it was awesome. It's still making me laugh and it was hours ago that it happened. I think I have impressions of the knee socks I have on branded onto my kneecaps now. I'm too lazy to look.

Then after that, I grilled some MEAT which I am bad at because the MEAT burgers fell apart and a bunch fell onto the hot coals, but that's okay cos what was left was mighty tasty and that's all that matters. I'm gonna learn how to grill real good so I can cook outside when I get back home. MMHMMM.

I sent Mum a bunch of cards that I drew on MS paint today, but she isn't home so I can tell her in real life person Happy Mother's Day hope you like the cards especially the recreation of the drawing I did a long ass time ago when we had the old 40's fridge and it was painted sky blue with clouds on it cos it was apparently ugly before. That fridge was cool. I remember one time when I was like 8 I pulled yoghurt out of there and it was SOOO MOLDY it was like a purple swirl of DONT EAT THAT and for some reason that image in ingrained in my head.

Then there was time we were in the kitchen and it was summer out and we were bringing stuff in from eating outside and there was a paper towel roll on the counter and all of a sudden out the top this huge black spider came crawling out and Mum freaked the hell out and my dad had to squish it, and he did and he flushed it, so he said, but he really didn't, he left it floating in the toilet and I was the next person who used it after that and it's really hard to go to the bathroom when there is a big black smooshed creature in the bowl. I wasn't as scared of spiders then as I am now, so I had the brass buttons to flush it myself, but nowadays I have to get someone to rid the world of the beast for me.

Whatshisname doesn't like to kill stuff like that, he's my brave spider saver who catches em in a glass and takes them outside where I can't throw a phone book on top of them. He's my knight in shining armour and I think that it's sweet he lets the bugs live. He told me not to look the last time his dad caught a spider at his, that it was big, and then his dad rushed it outside and that was it.

I can watch shows about spiders all day, though. But this isn't about me, it's about Mum. We watched a show about spiders together one time and they showed this huge one that lives in the Amazon and eats small mammals and well, we were both pretty freaked out about that, but I guess it's no different than having a cat with 8 legs instead of 4 cos it eats pretty much the same thing except for Friskies.

Then like not long after that, cos she was visiting me in Bremerton, we were hanging out in the living room of the box the ex-bastard and I used to live in and out from under the sofa runs this big fat brown bastard of a spider and Mum leapt to the top of the couch and squealed and someone squooshed it into the carpet, but I don't remember who, but that thing was a fat little bastard.

Then there was the time, in March, actually when I had just gotten to NY and we were at the ShurFine and I had been drinking the night before and I took a vitamin and I passed wind (to put it mildly) and we were both like goddamn who died in your ass then I almost had an accident and I had to rush to the restroom at the store and I came out and Mum asked me real loud DIDJA SHIT YOUR PANTS? And I was mortified but it was fucking hysterical at the same time because I bet NOONE else's Mum has ever asked them that and really meant that you actually for real pooped in your pants instead of that 'I almost shit my pants' that people say when they are scared or shocked or something.

And then whenever I lean over and whisper to her that I have to use the loo, and we are around other people, she will announce to them that I am, in fact, going to the loo, cos noone around here calls it the loo and therefore it must be announced to the world that I need to have a BM or take a piss or something.

I am comfortable enough to talk to my Mum about bodily functions, and that is fucking rad. We get graphic too, and there is only one other person that I torture in depth about stuff like that, and that's Kaotix and he loves it and we laugh and laugh about poo and pee and then we eat. I try to have a little class around Whatshisname cos in reality I probably don't poop it's all a figment of my ass's imagination. I'm still mighty lowbrow, though.

There's a lot more I could say about Mum, but really, this is the shit I love cos it makes me laugh and I don't feel like sharing anything else. She mine, biatches!

Happy Mother's Day to ALL the moms though.

dog's bollocks!

2006-05-14T02:37:00.000+01:00

Last night I stayed up till 430 in the morning watching The Young Ones. KICK ASS! I'm surprised I didn't keep the rest of the household up until then with my raucous HAWHAWHAWing and sprinting back and forth to the kitchen for snacks.

I say sprint because that's what I do when I go from the computer cahir to the cupboards. It's a straight shot into the other room, so why not go as fast as I can? I don't do anything else all goddamn day so my little 15 foot runs do me good. Gets that heart rate up so I can come back and eat a cookie and drink a sody and break my neck looking at the TV. I'm watching Eddie Izzard so in your face.

I will be staying up late again tonight in order to catch more Young Ones to see if they are indeed a staple of late night BBC America, and if they are then I will be sleeping until 1500 everyday until I leave.

Today my best girlfriend (Space!) from high school who I still talk to because she isn't a big retard like the rest of the hillbilly redneck people we attended the facility of learning with. She's not even slightly retarded. And we sat on my front porch and had a beer and a SMOKED A CIG because I can and it's been like ages and I don't have to justify it to anyone people smoke cigs every day I just had one cos it's one of those for old time's sake and if it woulda been a for old time's sake hit of acid I wouldn't have done it. That's where I draw the line, I mean, I'd rather smell funny for a little while than think i am a glass of orange juice and blahblah whatthefuckever.

I'm making a LiveJournal for fun so if anyone from Journalspace happens to head that way, when I figure out what the hell my handle is gonna be cos it can't be Whatsername cos it's popular cos of that Green Day song, which honestly is what inspired my JS handle and my display name here but it's cos it kinda fell in with why I started blogging inthe first place and while it doesn't hafta do much with anything right now cos I don't even listen to Green Day that much anymore but the name kinda stuck with me cos I like it and it's cute with Whatshisname but it's uber popular with all the little fangirls and so I can't get it on popular sites. So yeah.

Footballers Wive$ is on tomorrow! Sweet trashy goodness. Plus there's butts.

is that hair gel?

2006-05-13T05:00:00.000+01:00

I made this for Kaotix today.

Have I mentioned yet today that I am awesome?

2006-05-13T00:04:00.000+01:00

I'M RICH BEEYOTCH!!!

2006-05-12T02:22:00.000+01:00

Almost home!

And by almost I mean at the mercy of the internet.

Damn you internet and your tendency to break when someone REALLY NEEDS TO USE IT!!!

And damn you for needing electricity and having the power go out so I can't use you for hours an leaving me to take a nap pinned under a cat when I could be surfing.

Damn you all to hell.

So yeah, the mailman heard I was gonna get all hillbilly on his ass if he didn't bring me my packet today so he brought it. Which is freakin sweet. But I was lookin forward to waitin out on the mailbox with a shotgun barefoot with overalls and pigtails and big ol jug of moonshine and a dog named Blue and a big ol chaw of tobbacky that I would spit on the hood of his mail car when he pulled up. Then I would adopt a cracker ass hee-haw hillbilly redneck accent extra special just for the occasion and ask him whaaaah he done took so durned laawng with mah mail. Then I'd take a huge swig of moonshine and play the spoons on my knee while Dueling Banjos played in the background magically.

My Hillbilly Name Is...

Ellie Mae Beaver

Hillbilly Name Generator

Then the Hatfields and the McCoys would feud for awhile and Jethro would sleep with his first cousin Clementine and old dog Blue would chase the mailman away and I would get my mail and we'd all be happy.

Then the power would go out for no reason other than it was raining and I would have a hissy fit cos those help and then take a nap then get up 5 minutes later because someone used the microwave and that was a clear sign for me to get back on the internet and find out the website I need is fucking with me.

Call me Boo-boo Kitty Fuck, BITCH!

2006-05-10T17:51:00.000+01:00

I got an email from Eltorito last night saying he was gonna be in Seattle soon. FUCK! Why can't NY be on the West coast dammit? It's been like, YEARS since I've seen his ass (literally, his ass...story for later) and YEARS since we've gotten wasted playing beer chess and sitting on his front porch, howling at the moon at 2 in the morning. And going towork hungover like a motherfucker. And getting drunk at the EMP on Valentine's Day and running across Aurora (busy highway) like drunk idiots and him throwing his skateboard into the bushes and somehow making it back to his house in one piece and sleepign with three people in one bed with the hungoverist one in the middle who had to get up in the middle of the night to speak with the porcelain god after I took the worst beer shit of my life and the fragrance filled his basement apartment and I can safely say I will NEVER drink that much Mac&Jack's ever again. For the sake of others, if not my own.

Ah, the good old days.

Like the time a bunch of us went to Vancouver and on the way Eltorito was drinking beer with Greezly and he went to the toilet on the train, and on the way back smooshed his junk on the sliding glass door between the cars and our friend got it on video tape. Or the time we went to the Sit and Spin (when it was still open) after our friend's orchestra concert thingummy (Where they played the Beef...it's what's for dinner song, only you know, all strings and brass and woodwinds and stuff and Eltorito and I fucking laughed so hard through that entire piece because he leaned over and whispers 'Beef, it's what's for dinner' to me and it was SO difficult to stifle that laughter than it woulda been to put out the Great San Fransisco fire we were cracking up so hard.) and we got really wasted and when we left, there were nuts a flyin everywhere as we stumbled down the sidewalk, thanks to the mighty Eltorito. And then there was the time he pissed on the streetlamp on the corner of Aurora and 85th while I went into the gas station for more beer with a plastic chair I stole from a place on Greenwood because it wasn't bolted down on our way back from a session of Wednesday dodge ball in the park and then a cool down sesh of brewskis at some pretentious pub across the way.

Nothing but fun with that guy. I wish I could post all the guitaring he did when we hung out. Freakin awesome. Wish I had known what the hell a blog was 3 years ago.

And I am also reeling from the fact that we never ever got arrested for all the little crap we did.

Natalie Dee...not me.

Yesterday I accidentally watered Fred cos he was sleeping in the poppies with Dorothy and Toto and the Cowardly Lion.

I missed Footballers Wive$ last Sunday. I know what happened, I don't even need to watch it beyond the advertisments, but I am reduced to trash TV when Law&Order isn't on, and this is as trashy as it gets. Watching posh skanks pull hair is a great pastime. BITCH! YOU GOT MORE EXTENSIONS THAT AT&T!! GIRL, HOLD MY HAIR. (only in an english accent) Plus there's butts.

The roof.
The roof.
The roof is on fire.

I'm awesome.

Hot Diggety Dog

2006-05-10T01:43:00.000+01:00

Know what I love about Law&Order? (Maaaaaaatlooooock!!) I love that they don't always get the bad guy. Always getting the bad guy is boring. Predictable. PLus, it's on like 20 different channels at all hours of the day so I can watch an entire season (or two) in three days time and not even break a sweat.

Fritos are addictive and someone needs to take this bag outta my greasy salty hand right now before I eat myself into a salt-induced coma or go into shock or something. DAMN YOU, CORN CHIPS FOR BEING SO DELICIOUS!!! Yet, I love you...I cannot put you down, I cannot close that crinkly yellow-orange bag. Salty crispy goodness. HOW DO I LOVE THEE...let me add cheese and salsa and get fat with thee...

I am fucking BORED right now BORED BORED BORED BORED. Noone is on MSN, at least none that wants to talk to me. I think the corn chip smell is frightening people away. I am drunk on corn oilyness and I am getting the shakes, so who can blame 'em?

At least Law&Order loves me! Law&Order also won't kiss up to me about how awesome I am (I know already, I don't need to be told) and Law&Order will love me and hold me and keep me awake until 3am again and I get hungry for Fritos again and stuff my face right before I go to bed and have weird dreams and wake up REALLY thirsty and the Sahara desert is in the back of my throat and I have to crawl face first down the stairs to the kitchen to get a drink.

Just what I wanted to do first thing in the afternoon.

The phone call is ALWAYS coming from inside the house!

2006-05-09T00:23:00.000+01:00

Wait, wait, wait, wait...I am STILL frigging waiting on the parcel from Whatshisname to get here. I suppose I should quit my bitching since it IS from the UK, but I've been waiting long enough! Hurry up mail! And hurry up with my battery charger while yer at it, ya SOB. I gots shits ta do.

In fact, my best girlfriend from highschool (someone I actually speak to and don't hate the guts of) is going to be in town (boondocks) this week and that is way cool. We're gonna talk mad shit about everyone we went to school with and about how much they suck and then we're going to eat a lot of junk food and there is the possibility of getting sauced, but we'll see. She's not here to see me. She got's shits ta do too. And it's basically just coincidence that I happen to be in the same state as her for the first time in like, 3 years since she got married. And it's been a while since I've had a beer (don't look so stunned) and I am almost afraid to go and ruin my dry streak already cos it's soooooo nice waking up and not wanting to vomit or any of that other lovely hangover stuff.

We are gonna talk SOOOOOOO much shit and we're gonna be all 'we're so awesome' and then reminisce about all the stupid shit we did and then we're gonna be like,"'yeah, we are definitely the most awesome out of our respective graduating classes" (she was 3 grades behind me) and then laugh about how awesome we are some more and then we're gonna talk about how awesome Kaotix is (cos he is), and I think that should be a pretty good time. We'll probably get bored of it.

Okay, so the other night I was IMing Kaotix and he is a traitor and was surfing Myspace and he suddenly says to me 'OMG you're gonna fill your trunks, girl.' And I was like "oh shit...what's going on what happened? Who did what to the whoozit in the where in front of who?' And he links to me this myspace page and LO AND BEHOLD it was uber bitch of 1996 and I was like "NO FUCKING WAY DUDE. This is too much." This is the same girl I threw my room keys at on our Gettysburg trip and this is the same girl who I predicted would get knocked up before we got outta highschool and this is the same girl who wore the ugly blue bikini top with the ugly blue plaid shorts in the class picture I put up on my old blog and was a bitch on wheels and an attention whore and is still an attention whore, as deemed by Kaotix, she now claims to be bi, not that there is anything wrong with that, but she lives in Alabama now and she wants people to think she's SOOOO progressive. And I am politically correct and yelled in the IM "Didn't her shit get blown away last summer?" and Kaotix was all like, "OH NO YOU DIDN'T!" And I was all like "OH, I WENT THERE." And then I snapped a zed canadian style and went and did something else. BIAAAATCH!

And I also think that "Hooray beer!" (Red Stripe) succinctly sums up my love of hops and barley even though I am on a beer free streak right now, but that doesn't make me love it any less. And while that is a damn good catch phrase, "The Champagne of Beers" (Miller ~~Low~~ High Life is a pretty good one as well, although I would rather drink fermented piss than that stuff again. It should read "The Cheap Champagne of Beers."

People in fat suits doing gymnastics is fucking rad.

2006-05-08T15:50:00.000+01:00

(click for bigger picture)

Dieselsweeties

What would Brian Boitano do?

2006-05-07T21:30:00.000+01:00

Last week, in the misadventures of that utterly recockulous guy, Dave:

Now hold onto your seats for this week's scintillating installment of a comic about a guy not everyone knows.

(click to get the big picture)

Giggity Goo Ga!

2006-05-07T17:58:00.000+01:00

Whatsername says:

blarg! isnt the point of a mobile to answer it when you are not home!?

Md says:

no, the point is to have it couched on the side of your face at all times, even if its not even activated or its a bad time to have it

Whatsername says:

lol

Md says:

especially while driving, despite thoughts to the contrary

Whatsername says:

i am going to have one surgically implanted

Whatsername says:

and then i am going to learn how to drive, but only barely

Whatsername says:

so i can swerve across highways and cut people off

Whatsername says:

and then give them the finger for driving like arseholes

Md says:

lol

Md says:

you do realize though, that if you're doing the swerving in front of people, that
makes you an ass too?

Whatsername says:

of course

Whatsername says:

but im on my cell phone so thatmakes me invincible

Hook, Line and Cinco De Mayo

2006-05-05T20:35:00.000+01:00

I hate Myspace, I like Buzznet. This is what tony had to say about Myspace banning/censoring Buzznet from the site.

I think it's dumb. A lot of people have accounts on both sites and the live happily. Now Buzznet users can't even host photos on their Myspace from Uzznetbay because the boss is having a tantrum.

Even though Myspace is clearly larger than Buzznet.

I think it's an immature thing to do...like something an older sibling would do to a younger sibling because they were in the same room as them. They're really not all that alike, but are similar, one just focuses more on different aspects of online communities.

I prefer Buzznet because it feels like it has more substance than Myspace. Less teenybop, more personality. A lot less paedo/stalker/creepy. Plus you can post an assload of pictures AND videos. Which I plan to do once I get home. Dammit I miss all my photo gear.

Did a little shopping online today, in search of a battery charger, which I found, along with cheap SD memory cards, an extra battery and a couple possibilities for a decent camera case. I might be able to get most of this stuff for under 70 USD. Hell yes! I'm really not sure what kind of camera bag to get though. I know I want it to be smallish, have a shoulder strap, have room for my extra battery and a couple memory cards and probably be black. Nothing flashy. Under 30 bucks.

I gotta gotta get this charger though, my battery crapped out and the weather is freaking stunning right now and I have most of a memory card to fill up before I go home.

Has anyone seen AN AMERICAN HAUNTING? I think I kinda wanna see it but I am horribly afraid of gory icky movies. The rating is only PG-13 so I think I would be okay. It's based on 'true events' which will probably scare the pants off of me, whick I am fine with, I just don't like to be horrified. I think I might actually leave the house to go see X3, as well.

But if I know me, I'll wait till it's out on DVD cos I am a lazy arse who doesn't like to pay $30 to watch a film.

Carnage Asada

2006-05-05T05:17:00.000+01:00

I am seriously getting fed up with this dial-up business. I know my dad can't help it, dial-up is all they can get out in the boonies unless he pays out the ass for satellite or something, and I have SO much respect for people who live on it, love on it and get a lot done.

Tonight I very nearly started throwing glassware around the house. All I wanted to do was update my freakin Buzznet and, like so many websites nowadays, it takes about a year to load. Not quite as long as my blog.

I finally told my dad about the wedding.

I was a little nervous about it, but the reaction I got wasn't what I expected. Just a big hug and he got really excited. *phew* Crisis averted.

It's almost surreal, yet not unwelcome to have people tell me that I seem happier and more content than I have in the past. Feels good to be told and to not have to tell. Fuckin awesome, actually.

My frigging nerves are still a little bit jangled from yesterday. Just a teeny bit, I hope it's building excitement and not that anxiety. Whatshisname's parcel of important papers are going to be here tomorrow or saturday and that is GOOD. Fuck yeah.

I know I should really grab this bull by the horns. It really gets in the way of things, though. My body gets completely out of whack and things go haywire and it makes it nearly impossible to go anywhere. I've managed, but having to be within sight of a toilet is aggravating. I much prefer riding it out at home, comfy and able to nap or something.

When I get back to Bangor, though, I have the distinct feeling that this will all go away.

The last time I got any bouts of anxiety was a few years ago when my ex husband was deployed for 9 months, leaving me to fend for myself, hang out, party hearty, get wasted like every day. Upon hearing when he was coming back, HO-LEE CHIT. I was a fucking wreck. I missed loads of work...I'd get all the way from Bremerton to Seattle on the ferry and I would get within blocks from work and not be able to make it. Had to get to comfort zone asap. It was awful.

I am sure it will all be okay when I get home. T'wouldn't do to be an anxious mess at our wedding!

Fred is doin okay, he's been eating more the past couple of days, and his foot isn't bleeding as much, although I did have to wash everything on my bed the other day, cos that's where he spends most of his time. Either there or out in the bed of poppies.

He's awfully thin, but he's truckin like a mofo.

And I think his purr is broken. It's just like, a fast snorty breath-y thing.

Okay, it's Law & Order time. (Maaaaaaaatloooooocccccck!)

Freaky Deaky

2006-05-04T00:37:00.000+01:00

Okay, so I am definitely not taking a 5 1/2 hour trip across the state because I can't even get through a 25 minute ride without having a freakin anxiety attack. (How the fuck do I get these to stooooop!? Anybody got a Valium? Bueller...? Bueller...?)

LAAAAME.

Also, I am a retard and laid down in the back of Mum's minivan while she was working and there were no windows rolled down and I probably almost gave myself a heat stroke because I am the most retarded genius in the world. So I went into the house where Mum was helping a bunch of elderly folks clean out their late friend's house so they could have a household sale, and laid down on the bed upstairs that was exactly as the lady who used to live up there left it when she died. It was kinda chilly up there, even though I was originally super warm, I had to put my hoodie over me. I left my shoes on too, I hope she wasn't mad.

Oh, and I was supposed to babysit Dave's blog and I didn't. I hope it's not dead when I go check on it.

Bazongas (ROAD TRIP!!)

2006-05-03T03:12:00.000+01:00

*toilet flushing sound effect*

Yeah, so I was incredibly witty hours ago. Now, not so much. I am taking the week off and going 5 1/2 hours away with Mum to go see relatives I haven't seen in like 15 years and it's going to be weird, but that's okay, they're not the cousins that Mum and my uncle go on about sometimes.

The black sheep of the family.

The rednecks.

I AM SO RELATED TO REDNECKS!!! (yee-haw!)

[stereotype ="on"]

Coors light drinking, Larry the Cable Retard listenin' (stabbetystabstabstabstabstab), big truck drivin, Nascar lovin, WWE watchin, big shiny belt buckle wearin rednecks. I guess that's the side I get my cheap beer fetish from.

[/stereotype]

Nah, this is the regular, more normal-ish side of the family. Last I knew it was, anyway. Mum actually willingly goes to see this side of the family, but pretty much turns tail and runs at the other side comin. I mean, don't get me wrong, they're okay folks, but the only thing we all really have in common is a little DNA and blood and stuff. Although, now that I think about it, a little bit of the redneckiness has seeped through into at least me and my one cousin, cos I like the PBR and he likes the WWE and we will always pray to that church. Even though I ain't (ain't ain't a word) gonna see any PBR when I get back to Bangor. S'ok, I'll have a coupla wife beaters and be okay with that. (Stella Artois, not Hanes.)

It should be an interesting week. I will be gone from Thursday to Sunday and will probably have to answer the same 1000 questions I have already answered for 1000 other people and try not to bug out. I also hope there is internet somewhere along the way or I will have a siezure and withdrawals and go mental and climb the walls hissing "Sucka" at people when they walk into the room. I need to invest in a laptop con WiFi (WIreless Fuckin Internet) someday. Steal people's internet and shit.

I am going to buy a frigging battery charger for my camera. Finally. My poor camera is about to die and I have a whole memory card to fill up...plus internal memory. If we go to New York City and I can't take pictures, I will break the world. It's best to be prepared. Mum and I are going to be on our way and I'm gonna yell at her to pull off at this exit just as we pass it cos I see a BestBuy or something and we're gonna veer off all recklessly minivan tires a squealin' like Dukes of Hazzard and fly over an embankment and get like 15 feet of air and slide sideways (perfectly) into a parking spot and also wear daisy dukes and shake our junk.

By the time I get back, Whatshisname's parcel of papers de importante should be here and then I can work on gettin my happy ass on back to the UK.

Somebody give me an amen.

Baby pictures (O brother, shut up thou)

2006-05-02T02:18:00.000+01:00

So, I was digging through my dad's stuff today, cos I respect other people's belongings like that, and I stumbled upon some ancient photographs of yours truly from waaaay back in the day (like the 80's). Upon thinking about it very deeply, decided to post a few. AND!! Extra super special bonus! I found one of the few pictures of me with REDred hair. Yay! I didn't know my dad had any! SUH-PRIZE!

Wookit those widdle chubby cheekie-weekies!!!

I have no clue what I was pointing at, but they're all gonna laugh at you. Gimme cookie.

And theeeeeeen...

...

I grew up.

Look at me. (Bask in my GLORY!)

Look how rebellious I was with my $20 leather jacket from Old Navy and my Old Navy gauchos and my Old Navy military style belt and my black t-shirt ALSO from Old Navy. (Hey, when ya get a discount...)

I look extra pleased in this photo because, unfortunately, it was taken right after my grandmother died (2003) and I was not getting along with my dad at that time and I happened to be at his house (like I am now, only I am more mature and I don't yell at him about all his super annoying noises and channel surfing during commercials and shit like that. Okay, only slightly more mature).

I am also a supermodel in my spare time and taking awesome pictures and being super mega hot all the time gets tiresome so I wasn't really trying. This is my best impersonation of Average Joe.

(I kinda miss that hair colour.)

Can't a person get some sleep around here?

2006-04-30T18:10:00.000+01:00

It's funny how the littlest things can wake someone up from a sound sound sleep. My dad slams his bedroom door EVERY time he shuts it, even if his woman is asleep (I'd skin his ass for that shit) and it pretty much rattles the WHOLE HOUSE.

I fell asleep sandwiched between both of the cats the night before last and was awakened by a cat fight ON ME (okay, more like across, but still). Nothing super strenuous, mostly yowling and a good swat to Fred's face until I woke up and smacked the Bink and everyone went back to sleep.

That didn't wake me up today. Usually it's my dad sitting downstairs taking 2 hours to eat his morning porridge that wakes me up. Not even THAT annoyance woke me up this morning. Whoever ran the fucking Hoover this morning didn't even convince me to crawl out of bed (and running a vaccuum while anyone within earshot and sleeping is a cardinal sin and should be lashed with wet reeds).

What made me zombie-shamble out of bed and down the stairs was the sound of the first drop of cat pee hitting the painted wood floor not 3 feet away from my ear.

I was up and out of bed like a shot.

Walking on me would have sufficed to wake me up to let me know that someone by the name of Fred had to get out of the room to use the cat-loo. (Better #1 than #2 though!)

Last night, as I have mentioned, I made a comic. It is 100% Dave approved.

Y'all can make one too. This site kicks ass.

Based on a true story

2006-04-30T05:32:00.000+01:00

I made a comic today.

It's about a real guy in a real city with a real mobile phone who's real cool.

Click the pic to have a look.

David says:
that is good

David says:
High-larious

Something or other

2006-04-29T18:57:00.000+01:00

Oldies but goodies.

I can't wait to get home so I can post new stuff.

Sometimes I say things and later I'm like why the hell did I just say that? Yeah, I dunno either. Son of a bitch!

And you know what else steals the goat from my villiage and makes the villiagers angry cos they are going to be goat-cheeseless, and then they rise up and burn the crops because they want their goat back even though that won't help and now they are going to starve because they haven't got any wheat for the winter but they won't realise that until the first snow?

People have said some effed up things to me and I only just now friggin realised just HOW fucked up they were. Yeah, like Hi. My name is Retardo the Moron and I have my head up my ass. FUUUUCK!!

OK ok...so I was just thinking about how fat my [insert multiple expletives here] ex-husband was, for no other reason than I was vaccuuming and that Hoovers suck and that he sucks, so there's the whole association with house cleaning, I'm not really mental. So he was (at the time, probably still is, if not more) like 3 bills large and really, noone should weigh that much unless you're a wrassler or an animal of some sort or you really like cake, (which is cool by me, cos I like me some cake too) or unless you feel like it. I don't care what anyone else looks like, I just think it's funny that he's a fat tub of guts.

So he's all fat and shit and he was gonna go on some diet that his buddy was on, and said that I HAD to go on it too, and all I thought back then because I was brainwashed and naive, was that there was no way in hell I was gonna go on some stupid diet. I've never weighed over 145lbs my entire life. Why the hell would I wanna do something like that?

But we all see where I am now.

Hah...he's a fat bastard!! With emphasis on the bastard part.

And I think I can proudly say that will be the last time I post about his lame ass. I have better things to think about. (Like all those sit-ups I need to do.)

Haha!

(Oh yeah and ps I know. Noone needs to tell me what better things I have to think about. In fact, don't.)

Dave is almost the Man.

2006-04-29T00:48:00.000+01:00

Because the Hoff is the Man.

But he's just a bit closer cos this is my first birthday pressie. Even if it's WAY early.

Whatshisname is enough for me (Love you!). But boy, oh, boy do I luuuurve me some Hoff.

What happened to the Boy Who Cried Wolf? He became known as the Boy Who Cried Continuously.

2006-04-28T06:14:00.000+01:00

I have nothing to say except that I am enjoying a re-run of the Golden Girls.

Here is a poorly scanned scan of my face.

Congratulations, I am awesome.

You won't believe your ay ay eyes.

2006-04-27T03:51:00.000+01:00

Weeeeell, it seems my little furry friend Fred doesn't just have any old bump on his widdle fuzzy footie, it seems to be a tumor. *sigh*

Remember those 7 lives I said he had? Well, they are in the form of an hourglass and it done got flipped over and the sand is fillin up the other side. S'good, I guess...he's 15, which is pretty old for a cat, although I hope he goes in his sleep rather than having to get him put down. I hate the sound of that. Hopefully, it won't happen while I am here. I dunno if that sound shorrible or not, but really, I don't want to see his end. I'll cry my fucking eyes out when it does come though, no matter where I be.

In other news a 6-pack last night gave me a class 4 hangover. My brain is hating my head right now.

That's it.

I quit.

And I am SO super serial.

Floyd the Barber

2006-04-25T22:03:00.000+01:00

FUCK the remote just got stuck on the Oxygen channel. FUCKETY FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK. It's like a car wreck and I can't look away and Grace Under Fire is on AND I WISH I HAD STAYED ON COMEDY CENTRAL.

*deep breath*

*pounds little runner buttons on remote some more*

Hey...good idea...get UP and hit the little buttons on the satellite reciever box. So old fashioned it actually worked!! Hurray for Law & Order! (Give me a few and I'll be yaulping the Simpson-esque cry for "Maaaaatloooooockk!")

So yeah, this morning I woke and up and walked out into the hallway to see what looked like the scene of a massacre. Seriously, blood all over the floor, on the stairs, on the windowsill. All nice and dried.

My cat, Fred, is an old curmudgeon and I think he went on another killing spree last night (I was wondering why my dad's truck was still in the driveway this morning). His old age is getting to him and making the old fart CAH-ranky. Prone to chainsaw murder sprees after everyone's gone to bed. There was blood outside my bedroom door...I think he was laying in wait for me, but decided at the last minute that I could live to tell the story of his murderous rampage.

Downstairs the kitchen was tracked with bloody pawprints, mostly concentrated by the food dish. (Hey, chopping people up at his age probably works up one hell of an appetite.) Really, though, Fred has a big ol abscess on his front paw and he's been licking at it and it's been making a friggin mess. Poor old bastard.

So, my day consisted of, so far, scrubbing up all this blood off the floor and cleaning off his poor bloody face. He's going to the vet, thankfully, this afternoon.

He freaked the hell out of me a couple hours ago when I put his still ass up on the sink to have a drink of water and clean his face off, and I left to go put something together for lunch, and I forgot about him for about 5 or so minutes and turned around to see Fred just sitting there on the sink, looking at me. So I ran over and before I got there I must have scared the crap out of him becuase he fucking jumped off and ran away from me...then 15 minutes later when I was at the computer I hear a YOOOOWWLLLL...yoooooowwwwwwl. I hollered his name and went looking and found him laying on the floor on the hallway and I though "Oh, shit. He broke himself jumping off the sink. Shittyshitshit."

But I went to get the phone and he walked out of the hallway as I was dialing my dad's work.

Have I mentioned that bleach makes me crazy?

The stories they have about cats having 9 lives are true...I'm telling you, Fred is living proof of all that.

We didn't pick him out when we got em, the man who was driving the truck and decided to throw his tiny grey and white butt out the window picked us out for him. And when we happened upon the tiny bundle of fluff, he had a big old hole in the side of his head, if I recall correctly, to the bone. We fixed ol Freddy right up, bag balmed his head and kept an eye out. I'm sure his brain was a little jostled from the toss and landing, but overall he's a good guy. Attacked my feet when he was younger...fulla spit n vinegar, and an unnatural lust for my Littlefoot plushie.

A few years later, he up and disappeared somewhere and was gone for a few days. Not too long after, he showed up looking a little worse for the wear with this huge gash across his throat where he had gotten stuck in some string and probably stuggled and thrashed around trying to get out. He came out of that experience with another scar.

So, I figure he's got about 7 more lives to go. And if the Bink doesn't chase him down the basement stairs, I think he'll be a-ok for a while.

He goes to the vet in an hour anyhow.

I love laundry day

2006-04-24T21:33:00.000+01:00

Today I am at the extra height of hotness. Everyone should be jealous of my magenta sweatpants and "I don't do mousework" kitty t-shirt. I am awesome. The sweatpants are shaped funny. If I pull them up to my waist, they go halfway up my calves. If I wear them on my hips like a normal human being, then the crotch sags down somewhere near my knees. Maybe I should see if I have any stirrup pants stashed somewhere so I can wear those with flip-flops and socks.

"Unskinny Bop" was playing on a TV advertisement earlier and it's scary that I remember seeing that video play on MTV when MTV still only played music and not a bunch of stupid reality shows and screaming teenagers screaming over hip-hop videos. Maybe MTV should change their name to STV as in Show Television. It would make more sense. Oh well, I don't watch it anyway, so I don't really care.

I was watching the WE channel yesterday because "The Princess Bride" was on and that is a great story. And I know it's the Women's Empowerment channel or some damn thing like that, but really, how is it empowering to have advertisements that say perfectly plucked eyebrows are a vital part of being a woman or that Nutra-System is the way to go and I have to say just watching ads during that (and also during 'Meet Joe Black' which would have had me weeping on the sofa had my dad and his woman not been there watching it with me) short period of time gave me a fucking complex.

I'm going to curl up in my awesome sweatpants now and watch TV and stuff my face with cookies. That is a good idea. "Highlander" is on and I am so there.

Watch your language

2006-04-24T05:36:00.000+01:00

I'm bored. Borededy bored bored bored. Bored

Bored to the izzle. On the rizzle? Stupid.

I had spaghetti three times today. And a banana.

Yee-haw.

I'm gonna watch Law & Order.

Even more yee-haw.