Letters of Nothing To Anybody

Where am I now? Getting absolutely hammered without a soul in sight.

I prefer it sometimes, alarmingly. Not a soul in sight to embarass, not a soul in sight to tell you to keep it down. I just want to make silent noise to a Foals song that I can't get out of my head.

I keep mistaking things here for things back home... the 358 bus to Aurora, for one. The autumnal weather wakes up this thoughtful beast inside me that only feels comfortable in the pre-wintery light. The golden stuff that take a while to ooze away even on the coldest day. Inspires me to...

Inspires me to be greedy and feel for home, but I worry about mates with cancer and mates who have suffered the greatest of losses. I worry about work, and the cold. I worry about life and it's addictions and then stay up drinking but end up trying not to wake up the most important person in my life.

I've kicked worse habits.

Suddenly I am in the grown-up world with all this real life drama. It's not tabloid drama, thank fuck. Some of it is lonely wanker drama, some of it is homesick. I never want to go to another funeral for someone who is younger than I am. I did not cry, but my heart broke for my friend. I wore a suit and big scary black heels. I remember when she and I and her boyfriend (now deceased) were at the pub. I worried a lot about what I would wear to the funeral for no bloody reason. I'm really thankful I got to meet him that one time. He was chatty and brilliant. I hope she will be okay, she is back at work now.

I don't want children. My soon to be mother-in-law who is (only) 4 years older than I am has a baby and he is lovely. I aim to spoil, not to have one of my own. I still want a kitten very badly, though. I'd really, truly, honestly rather change a litter box.

I worry.

I worry about stupid shit. Work, which is trivial in the scheme of things. I worry about those who I work with. I miss the mates who went to uni and aren't around much anymore. I'm so much older than a lot of them, which worries me as well. I hate the self-entitled, judgemental arseholes here. It's like nothing I've experienced anywhere. Thank fuck I don't live in LA. People would drive me to extinction.

Glasgow. God damn it. A music scene like Seattle, I'm convinced. London might be big, but it's not bad.

I miss a lot of things.

The new Shiny Toy Guns is complete shite and I'm VERY disappointed. They had it good before the new singer.

I'm tired of Brit fashion. I want Old Navy. I want a new tattoo. I want my mates. I want my hubby. I want a lot of things.

Think I'll fix my camera first.

And get another drink!!!!!! xx
| posted by Whatsername again....? @ 11/04/2009 03:35:00 am | | |